


The White

by sillence



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop, KaiSoo - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Fluff, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Romance, Smut, Twincest, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2020-04-07 18:01:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 28,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19090234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sillence/pseuds/sillence
Summary: Meeting Kim Jongin and Kim Kai in the psychiatric clinic for youngsters was an encounter that would change Kyungsoo's life forever.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am reposting this from aff, with some changes | still editing

_Prologue_

 

It is always the same; the same routine, people and feelings. There is nothing unusual happening when I stand up at the exact same time every day, when I get ready around 5:30 am together with my younger brother, when we walk towards the bus stop in the dark and wait minutes because the bus is always too late. 

My younger brother will be sleepy and lean against my body because we have to stand in the bus. It's always full around that time. People from the suburbs have to make their way into the big city of Seoul. Most of the passengers are students and teenagers that I don't know much about. Some live in our village but most of them I don't want to know. At the eighth stop most of the adults step out and seats are free for those willing. My brother will quickly reserve a seat for me and we sit in silence before he will start talking about his day. He is a cheerful kid, they have said, a beautiful and well mannered young boy. Only nine years old and already such a gentleman and so cute my mother always said she will get diabetes if he doesn't stop. She cuddles him whenever she can and showers him with love and when father joins them on the sofa to watch a movie, I'll just go upstairs, listening to the squeals of my family.

I am an outside in my own home.

When we arrive in the city, I will take the hand of my brother and we go to his elementary school first. It's already late, pupils running down the streets to not miss the bell for the first class. We say goodbye at the fence, waving and then he is off. Running towards his friends who wait for him outdoors. There will always be a little crowd. Mostly boys with two petite girls that giggle while he greets his friends. He looks satisfied, wrapping an arm around one of the girls who will blush madly. They don't speak but he smiles so brightly it hurts my eyes.

Only nine years old.

After bringing him to school, my day starts. Most of the time, I need to run to school, to make it in the first class before it ends. The lecturer will scold me for being late again. It's always the same. He doesn't listen to my explanations anymore and gives me detention right away. 

Another day, where my brother will be waiting for me at the fence, alone. However, I can do nothing but sit down on my seat and wait until all my classes ended for the day.

There is no support from the school or my parents. They know that I will be late because we are living so far away from the school. It doesn't make any sense to me. After we moved to the suburbs, they decided to not change our schools. It is troublesome, annoys my parents because I am always late to pick up my brother but at the end of the day. They don't change their attitude or opinion on the matter. It is always my fault.  

There is nothing that excites me anymore. My day seems gloomy even though the sun shines. 

In class there is not much to do either. Pay attention, take notes, write an exam and answer questions when asked to,  write an assignment and sometimes work in groups to get a task done together. I have a aversion against the last one. Teamwork sucks. I have two friends in all of my classes. And the two are all the same. Outsiders like me.

When the T-word is said, they'll come running and lay their heads on the table, snoring. I will do the assignment on my own and I'll wonder why it's called teamwork when at the end, it is me doing everything for them. These two aren't even my real friends. Whatever that means. One of them is a boy who rarely comes to school. When he feels sick he stays home with a worried mother watching over him. He will go partying, drinking, smoking and having sex whenever he can get some but even with all those things he is one of the best in class. I guess he is because I do all his shit for him most of the time. Then there is the second friend of mine. A boy with a girlfriend who is older than him by five years. They live together for ages, so he says and are still in love like the first day they met. He will always talk about her, only her and it's bothersome. He won't shut up and he is the first person who made me yell out loud in front of the entire class... just for him to 'shut the fuck up'. Literally, that have been my first words in my first year of high school.

Since then the both are a pain in my ass. They eat with me in lunch break, without a word exchange towards me directly but always talking. They walk down the corridors with me, doing disturbing things like following me to the toilet or nurse office when I feel sick. I started not to mind the company anymore because 'private space' or 'personal' is not in their vocabulary.

That are my so called friends in high school but there has been someone in my life, expect of my late dog that I could call my best friend.

It was a girl who made my heart beat increase. A girl, named Sunyung.

She loves music as much as I do. Music is the only thing that gives me feelings. It makes me happy at times where everything seems dark and sad. She already graduated last years and that had been very hard for me. She truly was the only one who could make me smile and laugh. When she was still in school, we met each other every week for piano and singing practice but now it has been a rare occasion.

When Sunyung plays the piano, the room will grow silent expect for the melody she plays, fingers moving quickly but meeting every right key. She starts to sing and the world seems to stop and I can't help but be in awe whenever she graces me with her voice. She is an angel. I mean... she was.

Everyone has problems, depression and whatsoever. She has had so many boyfriends, they keep coming and going. She has been too troubled with her private life to catch up with school work. One guy is in the USA, breaking her heart but she still loves him. One guy is here in town, being there for her, loving her and she does too but it's not enough to get over the one in the USA. It's confusing sometimes. She has him, then the other, then again the next boy from the other city and I can't catch up with her relationships anymore. Sunyong also has never looked at me in the same way as she does with her flings and that made my heart clench from time to time because I know why.

Someone like me doesn't deserve to be loved.

My life has always been the same until is started changing two months ago.

 

Today is going to be different.

I have been in school at 11 am, getting my papers in ten minutes and saying goodbye to my friends who looked sad about me leaving but not bothering to say anything about it. It's not like I expected anything at all from those two... but from Sunyong who hasn't texted me back until now and it's already 1 pm, I did expect a reply. Soon I won't be able to talk to her anymore. My heart feels heavy.

Today, I am not on my way home either.

My father sits next to me in the car, hands on the wheel and a stoic expression on his face. He looks straight ahead and drives us to the place, I will call my home from now on. I haven't looked the place up until now. It doesn't interest me much because it will be another institution which I have to visit for three years until I turn 20 years old. It is not so different from a school either. Like an boarding school or something, my mother explained. Every day will be the same at one point. It's going to be a long time until I can be free again and end it all. I waited all those years for nothing, so now I have a goal to be excited about. But what is excitement anyway?

I forgot how to feel.

My parents often told me that I don't have feelings, emotions and that I am a "cold" person. But I am not. My body temperature is average and on my phone there are so much emojis that I always spam when I text. Just so I can proof that I am not a complete mess. I won't be seen smiling, when I send a :D but who does nowadays. No one is truly happy.

I am no different than others. I am like everybody else.

But there has to be a reason why they sent me away, so far it's impossible to reach in five hours. Maybe it's because I am not showing much of my emotions, I am not 'open' enough for them. If I knew what people meant by that I would try. But being honest with myself, I don't believe that I would even try if I knew because life has been okay until two months ago. There has been nothing stressing me out. No exam, no exam with a fat, red, bad grade on it. No friends or boyfriend/girlfriend waiting to get attention from me. No other responsibility anymore because it's all gone.

And they all say it's my fault.

"We are almost there, son.", father informs me but I don't care when we will reach this place. "Okay."

"Are you not excited? Have you seen the institute from the pictures your mother gave you already?", he goes on when the country fades away and changes to a road that seems to go endless. "Not really."

He sighs at my lack of interest and response. He doesn't speak with me after that anymore, focusing on driving us safely to the institute. I watch quietly how one, two trees change to a whole forest, a puddle of rainwater into a lake, hard asphalt and people into sand and animal,  when we turn on an intersection, a big sign starts to appear.

_Kim Joshua. Private Clinic for youngster. We help to change lives to the better._

Oh wow. A place where they think they can change people, young people at that. Unbelievable. Impossible. Changing older people is a hard thing to do and accomplish. Their attitudes, opinions and stereotypes are deeply rooted in all the experience they have lived through. Young people... They are still learning. It is easier to change them, sure. In some kind of way, I guess. But thinking about it makes my headache. I just wonder, why my parents decided to send me to one.  If I am being honest there is nothing to change. I am not special. I haven't done anything wrong. 

While thinking deeply, I watch the road which leads into another secured dark forest. Slowly the clinic starts to appear in small grey pieces in front of us. The sight reminds me of a castle. The old and tall building is huge and intimidating; the fence seems to be the only modern device where a lot of warning signs are hung. "Under electricity" and "Danger" are only two of many to mention. 

"I read it is not as bad as it look.", father tries to joke. At least he chuckles a little bit, cleaning his throat when he notices that I don't do the same.

I rarely laugh. I can't remember when the last time was where I laughed whole heatedly. When I had been eight maybe and when we got our Labrador puppy, buddy. In the sense of friend, because he has been with Sunyung the only one I can call that. He had been everything but now not anymore. The last time I saw Sunyung, I almost cried. She had a bruised eye and looked like she hasn't slept in ages. I felt bad for her. And that last day of practice, I couldn't smile even when she played the piano.

"Kyungsoo, we are here.", father says and I look around, noticing that we are already standing in the parking lot, five other cars in sight. Nodding my head, I open the door and get out silently. My father follows and gets my suit cases.

We don't talk much except from a 'should I help carrying your luggage' and a 'no thanks'. My father and I never had something to talk about anyway but now I wouldn't mind for him to say something, anything before separating again. I will not see him for at least months but still there is no word exchanged between us, when we go towards the biggest and oldest looking building that is connected to the others.

There is a bench under a tree that my eyes focus on. It is located a little bit away from the massive and old looking front door and when we walk towards the main building where the headmaster's office and information is located, I can see the person that is sitting on the bench more clearly. His head is dropped back. His body is slumped over the wooden bench, arms dropped behind the edge, he is probably watching the clouds and grey sky. He has a cigarette in between his fingers. His face and body is shadowed so there is nothing more to see as the outline of his body but the man looks pleasant. I don't know if I ever found someone attractive on the first time seeing them ever before. The boy hasn't even looked in my direction and yet I think he looks handsome.

The boy can't be older than me. A teenager in his seventeens maybe but the cigarette disturbs the whole peaceful picture. Turning back again, I find myself in front of the entrance, the oak tree with the bench is a little bit farther away now but I still can hear a loud voice yelling.

"Kim Jongin! I told you that it's not fucking allowed to smoke on school grounds. You honestly never listen to me..." The man who says this wears an uniform, big name tag on his back so everyone can identify him as Choi Minho.

The boy looks up when I turn around to see what is going to happen next. The male looks into the direction of the teacher and smiles lazily, waving with the hand he holds the cigarette before melting into goo again and slumping in his position on the wooden bench.

"You're high again, aren't you?", the teacher looks lost for a moment before he sighs probably in defeat. He lifts the slack figure up before caring him bride style in the direction of the other tall buildings that are probably going to be the dorms or the school infirmity. 

"I hope not everyone here is a junkie. I didn't read the whole flyer. Your mom told me everything she deemed important.", father voiced when we step into the building, tiled floor and a smell of detergent welcoming us. I don't care if I met drug addicts here, so shrugging my shoulders we go on into the big hall and are met with a woman that wears glasses on her pointed nose. She smiles brightly, red lipstick on her thin lips and her black hair is tied behind her head in a strict bun. 

"Welcome. It's Mr. Do and Kyungsoo if I am right?", she greets us and my father nods his head, shaking hands with her. Doing the same to the woman, she waits for me to say something but I don't know what she expects from me. I don't know so I keep quiet and stare until she gives her hopes up and her smile falters a little bit.

"Alright. So one of our patien- I mean students had the duty to show you around but how it seems is Kai busy and has forgotten about his task. Instead, I will show you around Kyungsoo, Mr. Do you can join us gladly or you can...?" Leave your your child with us.

"I should really be on my way home. Five hours are a lot and I don't want to worry my wife.", looking down on me, he ruffles my hair with a smile that I can't really return. "My boy is a strong and tough one. He is going to be fine, right son?", he continues and what can I say except of agreeing.

"Right..."

"Alright. Then we see you off sir before we start the tour.", the woman says and I start to think she is annoying. Her voice is too high pitched and her smile seems so fake it makes me want to puke.

"No, no. It's alright. I find my way out.", father replies and with a pat on my shoulder and a goodbye, he is out of here, leaving me alone with my too big suitcases, a fake friendly receptionist and my stomach twisting.

"I am not paid enough for this shit.", I hear the woman say when my father is out of sight. Her voice suddenly got deeper and turning around I can watch her grimace, ruffling her own hair, so it falls loosely around her shoulder, horn glasses vanish and she frowns when we lock eyes.

"The students need to learn how to be independent here so you should be able to find your way on your own. It's not my responsibility or duty to show you around. You have luck Kim Kai is not there to molest you in the hallways either. I guess you know, that we are an institute to _help_ the younger generation up on their own feet again? At least, that is what the media describes whenever we are in the news. We have all kind of people here. From depressive and criminal teenagers, to drug addicts, victims of any kind and possible murderer. But they are still too young to be put in jail so they get a second chance here. I read your file and I guess you fit in just nicely, right?", she mocks me, a perfect plucked eyebrow raised. "Pfft. I tell you the three rules you don't ever break and then I am out of here, understood?", the woman says, her name tag spelling Kwon Sohyun. I think I need to remember her.

"Yes."

"Good. So, the first rule is, don't cause trouble that will ruin the school's reputation. Meaning don't try to escape, take your pills and when you are on one of our field trips, don't cause a scene. Second, don't come crying to the principal's office if something happens, he has no time to deal with it. Third, be on time to all of your therapy appointments. And last but not least, my personal advice to you: get along with the older patients or you won't wake up in the morning. Understood, yeah? Good boy. Now find your way to the dorms, I give you a hint, outside, forest, left, right and there you are. Bye bye.", she waves while marching her way in high heels to the stairs.

"Ah I forgot. Never come to me if you need anything.", she turns her head and smiles, winking before disappearing.

"What a nice welcome...", I sigh before getting my stuff and walking towards the entrance I came from. She didn't even give me my schedule or anything. How am I supposed to know which class I am taking? I really should have searched this institute beforehand. I knew that this was a clinic for young people, and that it is under strict observation by the government but I didn't think criminals where also living here. Did she say murderer? 

I shake my head to clear my thoughts. I guess, I have no other choice but try and fit in somehow. I don't wanna be molested or something else. I just want to get done with this as soon as possible. Looking back up, there is no one in the yard and all lights are out in the main building now. In the distance, I can see small but bright lights. There must be a dormitory and life.

Walking with careful placed steps and pulling my heavy suitcases after me, I look around the clinic grounds, searching for a living being. There is a forest that I surly need to pass how Mrs. Kwon so nicely hinted at. I follow a small path towards the wall of trees and make out a rather big building. The trail is parting a few meters before it and I briefly wonder what is located at the end of it but I am not curious enough to go and search for a mystery that needs to be discovered.

The dormitory looks nice but one step into the lobby and I hang my head low because of the other students, or how Kwon Sohyun said patients and because I am completely lost. I don't even know my assigned room number.

"HEY ARE YOU NEW?", someone yells into my ear. I flinch at the loud sound and turn to a tall man standing close next to me all of the sudden. His eyes are so large that they could competitive with my own when he looks down on me. He has a scowl decorating his face, hair a messy brown ton. Like this, he looks like one of those gangsters you can see in dramas. He titles his head to the side, waiting and I nod my head to answer his former question.

"WHAT IS YOU'RE CODE?"

"What code?", I ask, not bothered by him yelling so loudly. It seems like the other students don't care about him screaming at the top of his lungs. He doesn't even seems to notice that he is deafening and continues simply.

"FOR YOUR ROOM AND CLASS!?", he explains, showing me a bar code that is engraved into his skin on his wrist. What the fuck is that?

"I don't have something like that.", I say, showing him my bare wrist and he stares until he starts laughing all of the sudden. I don't get the joke.

"WHAT? THAT ISN'T POSSIBLE! EVERYONE GETS ONE BEFORE COMING HERE. IT IS LIKE A TATTOO, YOU SEE?", the guy rubs his other hand over the bar code furiously and like he said, it doesn't even smear.  I shake my head, showing him my wrist. Both of them. No code or anything close to that on them. Did Mrs. Kwon forget about it?

"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! YOU ARE ONE OF THE GOOD BOYS. YOU DIDN'T LOOK THREATENING IN THE FIRST PLACE BUT YOU NEVER KNOW! GOTTA BE CAREFUL AROUND HERE. MY NAME IS CHANYEOL. WHAT'S YOURS?", the guy introduces himself, hugging me before taking my hand and pulling me to who knows where. I should be scared but I don't feel anything when we step into a dark room with only a desk, computer and chair in it. He doesn't seems like the kind of guy who will do something to me but I can always be wrong. I never have been good with judging people.

"My name is Kyungsoo-"

"There you are! I was waiting for you but you didn't show up.", a man who appeared out of nowhere says. How did he come in here? A second ago the room had been completely empty expect of the furniture.

"TAO. HE IS A GOOD PERSON. NO CODE-", Chanyeol starts off but the ninja shuts him up with a raised hand, going over to the computer and tipping away on it.

"I know, Chanyeol. I am not doing nothing all day long. To be informed about the patients stands in my work description."

"BUT TAO YOU HEARD ME? HE IS A GOOD ONE!!"

"Yes Chanyeol. I heard you the first time. So Do Kyungsoo right? Here are your papers. Schedule, bar code card and oh... you have a single dorm room at the last floor. Nice for you, bad for me but here please take this."

"A SINGLE ROOM? THE FUCK TAO-"

"Don't call me that Chanyeol. I am still responsible for all of you guys."

"BUT A SINGLE ROOM? THE ONLY SINGLE ROOM TAO??? KRIS WILL KILL YOU FOR THIS!", Chanyeol starts again but I don't really listen anymore. After I got my papers, I just want to go and see my room, set up my things, eat and go to sleep. I don't have a day free or anything, tomorrow is going to be my first day in this school slash clinic. I can't believe my parents really abandoned me here because of-

"HEY ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING KYUNGSOO? KYUNGSOO?"

"No.", I respond when I hear my name being called again. It is silent for a moment before the supervisor starts to crack up. I don't get it, this time for real and how it seems am I not the only one confused. Chanyeol stares at me and back at Tao. Back and forth until he holds his head and sways a little.

"I will take my leave now.", and after a breathless "yes" is uttered by this Mr. Tao person, I leave the room. "Watchdogs territory" stands in big graffiti writing on the door. Why didn't I see that before?

Walking towards the stairs with my two suitcases, I wonder quietly how I should get to the sixth floor on my own. I can't leave my stuff down here, who knows what the students will do to it. I also can't transport both at the same time. There is no elevator for me to use either.

"Should I help you carry this up?", a person to my left says. I shiver a little, at the unsuspected voice. It is the teacher from before who helped the boy on the bench. Now that he stands so close in front of me, I can see him more clearly. His hair is messy, lips are swollen and red. He looks exhausted but satisfied and I wonder what he has been doing the entire time I had to listing to Mrs. Kwon rantings twenty minutes ago. He comes from a side entrance, a glass door that leads to the back. A small cottage is standing in the forest all alone and the darkness seems to swallow it, making it look like it is far in the distance but it's actually not.

I return to look into the older's big eyes that are glossy. He glows and when I remember right about what Myungsoo had been talking about all those years then Mister Choi Minho here had sex with someone.

"That would be nice of you.", I say, not minding that he reeks after someone else. It can't be his cologne, it doesn't seem to fit his personality. It's strong and manly, intense and smells after a combination of mint and cinnamon. Mr. Choi looks like a nice man; friendly smile adoring his features and being sincere with every question he asks me when we make our way up to the last floor.

The cologne fits danger more than kindness. 

"So you are new here. I think I saw you before. You came with your father, did you not?", Mr. Choi asks and I nod my head before huffing. Now I needed some help from my father, this stuff is heavy as hell. Why he left so early I still don't understand. Did he want to be as far away from he as possible? I don't understand why he would do that. 

"Kyungsoo is it? What bar code do you have?", the teacher asks again and I sigh. "None."

"What? Oh sorry, I didn't want to- nevermind. You have the only single room then. You are a lucky one.", he continues but it goes silent between us when I don't immediately say something back to him. We arrive at the last floor and he pulls one of my suitcases and leads me to the room, I will be sleeping in for the time being. There is a strange looking device on the right side of the metal door. There is no keyhole or a door knob so I wait in silence, staring at the door intensely.

"Uhm... so... can I have your bar code card for a moment?", Mr. Choi asks, kind of awkwardly. I give him the said item and he takes the card, brings it to a slit in the device and a peeping sound is heard before the door opens with a whoosh sound, causing me to step back.

"You don't need to use this, so for your safety I will take it with me.", he holds up another device that he has disassembled from the other one. There is only left the slit, for the card but the other one that is flat and has a screen is taken down, stuffed into his pocket. He smiles before stepping into the room, waiting for me to join him on the other side.

"Can I ask what that is?", I point towards the thing Mr. Choi has just put into his pocket and the man smiles before answering friendly.

"It's for the bar code users that have their code engraved into their skin. It's for safety measure."

"I see and what is the meaning of the code?", I asks when I lay my first suitcase onto the bed that is not bigger as my old one at home. Two small people can fit in. It's big enough for me but I wonder if a person like Chanyeol can even fit in those beds. If he has the same furnishing as me, he must see black.

"I am surprised that you don't know about that. It had been all over the news when we first opened up to the public. The bar codes... It is a bit inhuman to label people like this but it makes the system easier and for the safety measures it is a must. Everyone has a category here, so it is easier to observe them separately with the utmost care. I feel bad for you to be honest. You don't have much to do with all of this but don't worry. We have had teenagers here who did not get a code before so we know what we are doing.", Mr. Choi smiles at me while he watches me, unpack my things. I listen intently. I do want to know what is going on here exactly. 

"So these bar codes on everyone wrist have different colors and number code. It determines a certain category and their identity of course. The black code stand for mental illness, blue is for petty criminals, green symbolizes addiction and red stand for danger as the highest category. It can mean that the person has several issues, like mental illness or he is accused of murdering someone or has stolen a lot of money. It is difficult to figure out just by seeing the patients. So better be careful around those. You don't have any, so you are here for the healing and recovering process after something happened to you. I don't want to ask what you have been through but this environment is acting like a shock-therapy. At least the professionals here, have deemed it as such. The people without a code are rare here. I have only meet two of them since I started working here. They left with an open mind and heart. Of course it was hard for them but they learned how to not be afraid anymore.", Mr. Choi has a far away look in his eyes when he talks about them.

I sigh. Well, I don't know why I am here then. I did experience some things but I don't think it was any thing that would lead me here. I haven't thought about these incidents in such a long time. I don't want to remember them either. "Do I have therapy sessions too?", I ask, voice cracking.

"Yes as far as I know, everyone who lives here has a session with a professional. You are here because we want to help you. Did you not visit a psychologist before this?"

"No I haven't. This would be my first time. I talked with someone on the phone, who claimed to be the headmaster of this institute. He asked some questions but that was it really.", I answer with my head hung low. I thought it had been a scam the first time I heard the guy on the phone explain everything to me. And now I am confronted with the truth. Mr. Kim hadn't been kidding.

"Oh that is quite unusual. Mr. Kim usually doesn't call possible patients beforehand. I guess you are a special case then. Just please be carefully. I don't want to scare you but maybe you should stay away from the red and blue.", Mr. Choi explains with a permanent smile on his face. He cleans his throat before speaking again.

"Do you want to know anything else?"

"Does this institute have a cafeteria?" My stomach growls right on time.

"Of course we have one!", Mr. Choi chuckles.

"Where is it located then?"

"Did Mrs. Kwon not show you around?" A shake of the head and Mr. Choi sighs deeply, face palming himself before nodding and smiling again.

"I'll give you the tour then. I am sorry for whatever she has said or has done but she is not the nicest of persons in this school. She has a hard core and can be mean sometimes. Pardon her.", he says when he leads me down the stairs after I abandoned my stuff in my room.

We are not the only ones walking towards the cafeteria. It's already late and dinner time so I don't question the crowd who look like zombies, walking without saying anything towards a glass building that is connected to one of the school's.

"What is that?", I ask Mr. Choi when we stand in front of a line outside of the building. The pupils hold they hands or rather wrist on the device I have seen before and enter the canteen one by one from this side and the other. It aren't many students. Around one hundred people, I guess and I am glad that it's not as crowded and full as I thought it would be.

"In front of every building and room, expect of the classrooms, is a device which reads the data of the patient and decides depending on their reputation, penalties or status if they are allowed and have the authority to enter the place. It's to identify the patients after their former behavior and past doings so nobody is in danger. Like I already mentioned, the red and green bar codes need to stand under strict observation." After explaining everything and coming with me into the glass building, which reminds me of a conservatory, Mr. Choi bids his goodbye and quickly runs into, I suppose, the kitchen.

Silently, I stand together with the other students in a line, waiting to get my food and to sit down on an empty table. I am tired, my eyes are ready to close any time soon and I think I have a headache. Getting my food, I stand there for a few seconds, searching for a seat that is not taken yet. A table is empty in the middle of the room and nobody seems to want to sit there. Without thinking anything about it, I walk towards it and sit down, supporting my head with my hands and looking down on my food that looks a little bit putrid. Can I even eat that? It's not poisoned is it?

"And who might this minor be?"

"IT'S YOU AGAIN!"

"Hey midget, what are you doing on my table?"

Voices rush through on ear and out of the other. It's hard to concentrate all of the sudden and I might just faint now because I feel very close to one of those seizures again. It has been a while since the last attack two months ago.

"Hey, fatty what are you doing sitting on my seat?", a rough voice says then, looking up, I see a tan skinned boy with a devil smirk on his face. He has a tray of food in his hands and stands in front of my table. He stares, waiting for me to say something about his comment but I don't know what to return. I can't even recall what he has said in the first place.

Not again, please.

"Stand up or I will-"

"You will what?", I interrupt him, staring at him without moving a muscle. He stills, mouth agape and I can hear gasp for air, whispers start to flow and fill the cafeteria. It's annoying, the sound makes the headache worse and I want to go back to my room and fall in bed, sleeping. It's too much attention, shivers run down my spine and the red starts to paint my face in a blush.

He and his friends, I believe, stand there for a second before the tan boy steps forward and next to me, locked eyes remain that way and before I can react he already has tilted his tray, so that foul and reeking meat, mashed potatoes like vegetable and green sauce is all over me, dripping down my black hair and sharp pale jaw.

"I'll just do that."

 


	2. Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First days are always hard

 

"Introduce yourself to the class Do Kyungsoo."

You just did, why do I need to repeat it again? I look at the man who I know as my new, somewhat, homeroom teacher. His name is Jung Yunho and he looks rather bored. He supports his head with his hands when he stares up at me from his desk in the front. He doesn't even bother to look at the others in the class and just lazily looks at me as if he waits for something.

I don't actually need to introduce myself to those people anymore. This clinic only has four classes. In every one are 25 pupils and the most of the people in here now me from yesterday evening, having laughed about me when I walked out of the cafeteria with a big wet spot on my shirt and my hair an ugly green.

However, that doesn't stop a few of the pupils to look interested in my direction. Maybe they are high on something or just forgetful but I don't really care. I still have to introduce myself, Mr. Jung doesn't seem to notice the awkward silence.

"My name is Do Kyungsoo and I don't know why I am here but I am." After I finished with my sentence, the gossip immediately start.

"It's the minor from yesterday."

"The fatty."

"He looks hot for being a fatty."

"What are you planning on doing to him, Luhan?"

"Shut your dirty mouths!", Mr. Jung says then, locking eyes with a rather innocent looking boy with pink hair. The boy smirks when we make eye contact for a second, licking his lips and winking at me but I can't say if that is supposed to turn me on or weird me out.

"Sehun, if I hear you talk one more time, you are going to stand in the corner.", Mr. Jung warns, pointing at a corner in the room painted in black. The other boy with almost white hair leans over to the pink haired boy, who seems to be the one named Luhan. The both sit beside each other, a little bit closer than the other pupils do but that doesn't seem to matter.

Luhan keeps his smirk intact and Sehun blushes madly before tugging his head back and leaning it on his arms, hiding himself from his surroundings.

"Take a seat at the back. You are a bit short, maybe you need to switch places with Sehun later.", Mr. Jung mentions, causing me to stare at him because he openly just stated that I am short. I know that I am not the tallest but still, it is weird to hear something like this from a teacher.

Walking to the second seat in the back that is empty, I sit down and look out of the window. I am sitting at the back, on the window like a shōjo character in a romance manga. Why do they sit always by the window anyway?

Sighing, I start to pay attention to what the teacher is saying but seriously it's only related to the school and the rules. 

"I know that you are new but that doesn't mean you can space out when I am trying to explain some important stuff, Do Kyungsoo. ", Mr. Jung says casually from the front of the room. A few boys start to laugh at that, a few snort and other continue to sleep with their heads obviously laying on the table while drool starts to dirt the wood. And I am the one getting scolded for looking out of the window and taking in the view?

"It won't happen again.", I say simply, not wanting to cause any more trouble. I look to the front, waiting for the teacher to continue but he doesn't. Nothing happens, nobody laughs anymore, the teacher doesn't speak a word and all just stare at me as if I am growing a second head. I don't get it, honestly, didn't he say I should pay more attention so why isn't he talking? Maybe it's something new, that a student talks back to a teacher or argues with him but I don't have a reason to do any of those things.

I am here and I need to assimilate myself as good as possible. I don't want to stand out after what happened yesterday.

A few seconds pass, I still wait for something to happen but it get's boring so I start to space out again, how the teacher had observed.

Mr. Jung clears his throat after a minute or so and continues with his lesson. I am not asked or acknowledged again in his class. 

When the class continued a melody is heard after an hour or so. It's melodic, friendly and soothing and I wonder what it is supposed to be for a second but the teacher dismisses us after the melody has stopped. How it seems it is supposed to replace the annoying school bell, a ringing like an alarm clock that every student hates. I have to admit, that the melody sounded nice, like the piano mezzo forte that Sunyung always had played with me on Wednesdays. 

That's when I remember that I can't look forward to that day anymore. It's going to be like every other from now on, bleak and miserable.

Taking in a deep breath, I stand up. I am the last one who goes out of class but I am not bothered by it, rather the opposite. There are five hours to go and it's even more tiring as in my former school. I thought that I would be bullied on my first official day here because of yesterday evening but I don't see the blond jerk and his friends in the grey hallways once. Groups walk down the corridors to the next class but nobody says a word to one another. It's silent and odd for someone like me who is used to watch the school population gossip, laugh, bully and talk so obviously about others, it started to hurt my eyes and ears. The silence that engulfs one here is peaceful but confusing as well.

All of my classes have the same routine. The teacher looks if every seat is occupied and starts the lesson. The student-teacher relationship is distanced, no joke is made and every question that is asked needs to be answered. It's like a force and nobody tries to work against it.

I don't mind routine. The things that are studied in the classes, I already have memorized. I can space out as much as I want until the melody sounds again and lunch is announced. Like before, the pupils walk in groups or alone to the cafeteria, getting lunch and sitting down.

However, the cafeteria is the complete opposite of the corridors in the 'school building'. Everyone talks, shouts or throws punches at the other if for fun or earnestly, I can't decide. It's more intense than yesterday evening. Everyone had looked tired and exhausted but now the students seem awake and lively. The complete opposite and I am lucky that it is more crowded because I can't see that jerk and his friends either.

Sitting down on a small and in the dark corner standing table, I eat my free lunch in silence, drink my ice cold water and observe the other's carefully.

There is Chanyeol, the tall kid that talks too loudly with another of his kind. The other man is even taller than Chanyeol and is blonde with a piercing glare decorating his face and a scar on his right cheek. He stands with Chanyeol in line, nodding his head to things Chanyeol screams into his ear. Behind the both is a trio of smaller boys. They seem to play rock-paper-scissors and laugh pretty loudly, annoying the blonde because he turns around and stares at the trio intensely. The three boys don't stop and start a conversation with Chanyeol who immediately joins and the blonde hangs his shoulders, looking defeating but still intimidating. It's an odd sight and not interesting enough for me to continue to watch, so I turn my attention to another corner of the cafeteria.

Somewhere, I swear I saw Luhan and Sehun together. The both of them seem pretty friendly with each other but the looks Luhan throws at me in classes or in the hallways are more than threatening. It gives me goosebumps every time and I seriously don't want to know which kind of code the pink haired boy has tattooed on his wrist. I need to look out for him a bit more. He may look pretty innocent but in reality he looks kind of scary. I learned in my young age that these kind of people can have two faces.

After lunch, it's physical education time. A subject I always hated. Not because I am bad at it but just because.

A line stands in front of the gym's locker room. One student after the other takes their wrist from the device that reads their data and steps into the room to get ready. We are 25 people and after five minutes everyone is done with checking in and started changing clothes. We all have an assigned locker, that I first needed to look for but when I found it and opened it with the code I barley have memorized, I see black and white jogging trousers and shirts hanging from a cloth hanger, weirdly all are in the correct size.

I dress myself quickly before going into the gym and then to the outside field where the others are already standing in a line, waiting for the p.e teacher to arrive.

While waiting and standing straight in the line, I ask myself absently if this clinic has something similar as a sport festival. Only the words make me feel annoyed and roll my eyes at the concept. It is something, I never have enjoyed in all my life. Why? Because I can't do sports. Teams battle against each other endlessly; having fun and working hard is nothing to me. I don't have fun at such occasion. My friends were always missing in such events anyways, so I had to sit alone most of the time on a bench and watch everything with a boring expression on my face.

It's just absolutely not my thing, physical education. Maybe that is why everyone calls me _fatty_ because I don't have muscles, don't have abs or thick biceps. The only thing thick about me are my thighs. If I think about it carefully, the only thing I am interested in is basketball. Sadly, I am too small, not broad shouldered enough and not very fast. I can throw a ball, that's it and I can do it pretty good and precise but still I never ran out on the field and showed my former classmates my hidden talent. I never saw the reason too and even without doing a single thing in p.e I got great marks. My former p.e teacher, Mr. Park had his way of asking for favors, and why shouldn't I get the best out of it? It had been a win-win agreement even if disgusting from time to time but right now I miss Mr. Park almost dearly.

We are all still standing in one line, facing the teacher named Mr. Yoo who finally decided to show up and greet us with the most friendly words.

"So you little piece of shits. I don't care or know why you're here, what you have done and who your fucking parents are but what I know is that nobody, absolutely nobody can escape or skip my class. You all understand?" Mr. Yoo already made a nice first impression on me but I still couldn't force myself to shout like the others a loud and clear: 'Yes Sir!'

They mostly all know him already. Nobody from the front of the line made a joke, talked or played pranks on their besides anymore. Different from the end of the line where I unfortunately stood.

"If you don't get the hidden meaning you fucking bastards, I said to shut the fuck up and focus on sport! I bet nobody of you can even hit a ball correctly or rather run two laps without getting out of breath. You are all low quality. I can't even look at your faces, human waste, that's what you are. Psychos, criminals and outsiders, little cowards hiding away from the world because you're all sick little shits, all of you...", and Mr. Yoo went on, hitting two boys on the head so strongly that they needed to see the nurse.

Watching them now get carried away by helpers, I grunt lowly. It's their own problem for being loud and cheeky in front of the scary acting teacher. I don't know if Mr. Yoo really thinks like this about these pupils but in some ways he speaks the truth. However, nobody here seems to understand the meaning of his words. Everyone looks to be in a trance when he talks and let the profanities hit their shell, they all have built long ago. They take it in without thinking about the words the teacher actually wants to bring across.

I can't decide how I feel about it when I turn my attention back to Mr. Yoo who still goes on and on but I see what he means. I am not any better. I notice how I let everything he says bounce off of me, of my shell and the wall I have eagerly built to shut people out, to not let anybody in. No one deserves to be let in and I will probably never meet anyone who wants to break these walls down anyway. All these manga's that I have read, lies and fantasy. It was a nice hobby for the time being. I guess now, I won't be able to read much anymore. 

I start to feel sleepy. I didn't sleep well yesterday, nightmares keeping me awake and the incident from yesterday was still fresh in my mind. I can already feel my eyes dropping shut and I wobble in my position but Mr. Yoo doesn't notice and that's good, who knows how hard he would have hit me upside the head?

"You should endure it until the end.", a boy whispers from beside me all of the sudden and for the first time, I look up and see who is actually the one staring holes into my side profile. At first, I frown because he looks exactly like the douche I met yesterday in the canteen. His skin color is the same, his body and his height looks the same as well, just his hair and eyes are a little different. This one has glassy, hazed and unfocused eyes but the other from yesterday had piercing ones, burning with anger and energy that needed to be released. This boy looks just completely relaxed and empty. His hair color is a normal brown tone, nothing special about it, expect that it looks a little dry and messy.

I glance at the boy and nod my head quickly as response but the stranger doesn't say anything after that.

I keep myself awake the whole two hours of working my ass off while running as one of the lasts over the monstrous field. It scares me a bit and how Mr. Yoo has said, I'm out of breath the first half of the second round. I don't care much but it just hurts my lungs and the sound of my ragged breath is awful loud in my ears.

"Already?", the stranger's voice comes from my side and I glance at him with confusion.

"Uh?", I voice because I didn't understand what he wanted to tell me and I am out of breath. I can feel my own sweat flow down my neck and forehead when I continue running. My shirt is already soggy and it is nasty sticking to my backside. I never thought I would be this exhausted by just a little running.

I actually had thought that I wasn't that fat yet but whatever.

Looking at the tanned boy beside me, I notice that he looks still fresh and smiles so bright, it's not normal. How can he smile and look so satisfied when he has to run five laps as punishment for doing absolutely nothing?

"You are already out of breath, just like Mr. Yoo predicted.", the boy states while he looks ahead with a smile that doesn't seem to vanish. What is wrong with this boy?

"Well...", it's the only thing I manage to say when Mr. Yoo shouts at me and the 'other kid' to run faster.

I speed up a little but it's no use, I am still as slow as a snail and the tanned male running beside me is not trying to run faster in the first place. He doesn't even seem to be sweating!

We run in silence for a few moments until I can't help myself and ask him for his name. The boy seems to think about it, rolling his head from side to side while running and pursing his lips.

"Kim Jongin.", he finally answers and my frown from before appears again. If I am not mistaken the boy from yesterday was named Kai, Kim Kai and not Jongin.

But it can't be can it? Kim Kai would not dye his hair from blonde to brown and come to my p.e class and tell me his name is Kim Jongin, would he? It's a ridiculous thought but maybe this boy is a wrong-done clone? I almost smile at my own fantasy and stupid thoughts. At the end it is not erroneous. Maybe he does that to confuse me or he plays a sick game with me. I am in a private clinic with psychopaths so everything is possible but the boy beside me doesn't look like one of those. But then again how does a psychopath look like? They blend in well and are just missing the empathy that others have.

This Jongin guy is all smiles and bright eyes. However, he is truly a bit weird and strange. His twin must have already told him about me. So why is he conversing with me right now? Is he bored?

I'll find out someday, I think when Mr. Yoo shouts for the other's to bring the equipment into the storage room.

Straightening up, I turn around to go to the locker room but Jongin stands right behind me, staring. He is still smiling and while I am panting and all sweaty, the boy in front of me looks pretty fine and not exhausted at all. What the...?

"Oww!", Jongin suddenly whines when a ball hits him on the head. He rubs the spot that was hit and I immediately look around to see from where the ball had come from. Luhan and Sehun run towards us, one completely red and close to tears and the other only staring with innocent eyes at us.

How can the both even be something close to friends? They seem so different from each other. But what do people say: opposites attract each other.

"I am so fucking sorry Jongin. Please don't tell Kai! I didn't mean to kick the ball so far. Seriously, I am sooo sorry. Please hit me but don't tell Kai anything, pretty please?", Luhan starts as he stands in front of Jongin and bows so often I think he must get back aches when he stays too long in this position but he keeps doing it until Sehun grabs his arm and stops him from bowing 90 degrees.

"Jongin won't say anything Lulu, right Jongin-hyung?", Sehun ask with confidence before smirking at  Jongin, who still rubs his face. He looks at them with a pout. The whole scene is so confusing, I step backwards and a little bit away from the trio. I don't want to be seen with them.

"Stay right there!", Jongin then says, pointing at me before he turns to the friends, smiling and waving Luhan off. He assures him that he won't say anything to his brother. I nod along. Why did I first thought about clones... ehh? I am going insane. Wait, did the boy just command me to stay like a dog? And why did I listen?

After Luhan and Sehun leave with the ball in hand, Jongin turns to me and grabs my wrist. He pulls me along and towards the line of pupils who wait for Mr. Yoo to dismiss the class.

"I heard that Kai talked to you yesterday... Kyungsoo right?", Jongin asks me and I only nod my head. I don't really want to remember that encounter but I can't help it when I am together with the jerks twin brother.

"I'm not sorry.", Jongin then says, smiling and I almost have to laugh again. I don't get this boy. 

"Why would you even be sorry?"

"Don't know. Others expect me to apology about the stuff my brother does but I won't. Kai can decide what he wants to do on his own and I am not going to interfere ever. I accept him anyway so I don't mind him doing weird stuff.", the boy explains, smiling stupidly as he looks to the front. If I didn't know better, I would say that the boy beside me has fallen in love. He practically has hearts in his eyes when he talks about his brother. It's a little bit strange but I won't question it, I don't have a reason to judge anyway. Moreover, here is absolutely nothing to smile about but Jongin does it anyway. 

"Stupid.", I mutter to myself and Jongin laughs suddenly loudly, waving at Mr. Yoo who looks up from his list of attendance confused but still frowning and grumbling something.

"Well, aren't we happy today, Kim Jongin? Did you had a cigarette before showing up to my class?", the teacher asks and Jongin only shakes his head with a great smile on his lips.

"You are still so old-fashioned Mr. Yoo. It's not called cigarette anymore, it's a joint-", Jongin explains to the teacher whose cheeks grow red from anger.

"Shut your fucking mouth! I don't need or want to know how the shit you smoke is called!! I want you to fucking stop smuggling this shit in the school and if I ever see you deal with it on school grounds, you are not saved by you're brother anymore.", Mr. Yoo points accusingly at Jongin who stands there with wide eyes.

"Please calm down, Mr. Yoo. I don't deal. If I do, then there is nothing left for me, is there?", Jongin tilts his head to the side and purses his lips into a pout. I honestly can't decide if Jongin is stupid or just a brat who doesn't know when to shut up. When I think about it, the line that divides the both is so thin Jongin is probably both. He must be pretty fucked up if he is a drug addict, how I humbly guess from what I just witnessed.

Mr. Yoo shakes his head with a scowl on his face but he let's out his anger on Luhan and Sehun who appear from the storage room as the last ones.

The class is dismissed after a few shouts and insults from Mr. Yoo but nobody seems to listen to him like I observed. I walk as the last one into the lockers room. I need to take a shower before I go to my room. I am not comfortable enough to take the public shower yet. After the incident yesterday, I heard weird sounds when I stepped into one of the shower stalls to wash the smashed potato and green sauce off my face and hair. I don't want to think about the odd noises but now that I am almost alone in the locker room and don't need to worry about anything, I wonder what it was that I actually heard yesterday evening.

Pulling my sweaty shirt over my head, I ruffle my black hair into place. The cold air hits my skin and causes goosebumps to leave a trail down my arms and spine. It's pretty cold in here.

Sneezing once, I can feel another presence in the room. My eyes are wide when I feel warmth behind me, radiating from another's body. I freeze in my spot, trying to figure out who this person might be but he hasn't spoken a word so far, maybe he is just dressing himself on the locker opposite of mine but there is no sound of fabric shuffling or a metal locker opening. It's silent and the air suddenly grows thick, too thick it hurts my lungs.

"What-", I start but then a hand swiftly grabs my arm and turns me around with a lot of force. I collide with the locker wall, back pressed against cold metal and stare into Kim Jongin's eyes. The boy seems out of it, something white is under his nose, like powder and I can't believe he just took something after Mr. Yoo prohibit it. How did he even manage to get this stuff in here?

"Jongin what are you doing?", I ask. It has been maybe twenty minutes where I had to wait for everyone to be done. How lost is he in his own world to not notice that what he is doing is making me uncomfortable. Does he want to scare me or something like his brother did yesterday? Sorry to let you down, but I am not scared at all. Just confused. 

Jongin smiles lazily, wobbling a little before he moves a step forward.

"Don't you want to relieve the ache in your chest?", the boy hums, eyes half lidded and head lolling to one side and then to the other. I honestly don't know what he is talking about. "I don't feel any pain in my chest.", I say loudly for him to hear but Jongin only shakes his head.

"What's this then?", he says, tugging on my wrist, turning my arm so he can see the clean underside. When he does this, I can see his own code. My pale skin is free from any paint and mark but his is not. There is a code engraved in his tanned skin, a sick green color but it's not the thing that makes me grimace. No, all the tiny little scars that adorn his under arm like a sick painting, reminds me of my own.

I can't look at it for too long but Jongin knows that I saw it. He stares so intensely at me, it makes me feel so much smaller than I already am. What is wrong with him all of the sudden? What does he want from me?

"You see... There is nothing. You don't have a code, so why are you here huh? Did your parents sent you here? For what reason? Are you a victim of a crime Kyungsoo? Do you have a trauma? You can't fit in the society demands anymore? What's it that pains you, huh?", Jongin goes on and his hand cups my jaw, causing me to look him into his hazel eyes. His grip gets a bit more harsher and I have to stand on my tip toes. 

Does he want to choke me? What does he know anyway? What does he want to know? I won't say a single thing, it's not his business at all. His grip around my wrist starts to hurt when he start to squeeze, my jaw is turned too high and my eyes water from the pain. It's ridiculous, why I feel so helpless. I am frozen in place. This boy confuses me more than anything. Hadn't he smiled so freely before? Why did he have to sniff some powder, whatever it is. Cocaine or something. It just doesn't make sense. He had been so friendly and overly excited. Why is he suddenly a different person? Because of the drugs he took? Do they have such a big impact on someone?

"Please... i-it h-hhurts.", I grit between my teeth but Jongin doesn't seem to care much. He smiles before moving down, his eyes shut and he collapses on me. Did he just fall asleep or is he unconscious?

I cough, trying to get my breath even again while holding the boy up. "Yah, Jongin?", I call when his grip around me loosens completely. His head is supported on my shoulder and he seems to breath even to me. This can't be can it? What did just happen?

"I said you can't just walk in there, listen to me you brat! Hey, you have an appointment Kai. What the hell are you doing?", I hear a familiar voice call and another joins the first.

"Just shut your mouth Minho! I need to look if he is still in there, maybe something happened to him.", and there it is the sound of the door opening. The door swings open, revealing Kim Kai and our health care teacher Mr. Choi Minho. They are stopping in the doorway and looking at the scene in front of them with confusion and in Kai's case anger. 

Why is the teacher frozen in place and not doing anything at all to help me? He had been so nice yesterday. You know, Jongin is heavy??

Kai has a different reaction. He seem very angry, or more like furious. His eyes are glaring at me as if he wants to murder me right here and now and I totally don't get why he is looking this way at me. I haven't done anything. Okay, maybe I am half nude in the locker room, alone with his twin brother that leans against me like a potato sack but I haven't touched Jongin, he is the one who came at me. It's a misunderstanding but Kai doesn't seem to care. With determined steps he storms into the room and his threatening glare hits me right in the guts when he pulls his brother away and checks him.

"Why the hell did you touch him?", he asks harshly, voice rough and low but I only shake my head and raise my hands in defense. I really didn't touch him.

Kai grunts before he checks Jongin's pulse and sighs in relief when he notes that Jongin is breathing evenly and seems only to have fallen asleep. He turns to me again but his eyes remain wary. "You never touch him again, you hear me? I don't want you near him and don't ever dare to talk to him ever again.", Kai warns me before he lifts Jongin up and places him carefully over his shoulder.

He even carries him like a potato sack, is the only thing I can think of when I watch them leave the room. Kai doesn't step out of the room before turning around to me again with one last glare that makes me grimace in frustration.

Mr. Choi stands there for a moment, looking at me and back at Kai's withdrawing figure before he follows Kai with hastily steps and a cautious voice calling after him, he never get's a reply.

"What did I just witness?"

 


	3. pain and curiousity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pain can develop because of several reasons

I don't know what is happening but it's annoying. 

I just wanted to go to the toilet and here Jongin is, talking nonstop about something that I don't really care about. After the incident, he decided we would be best buddies, and didn't leave me alone for a second. Even if I try to ignore him completely, he won't stop messing with me. All I want is some privacy. I only want to go to the toilet in peace but what awaited me was not what I expected. 

It's only my second day in this clinic or how everyone calls it 'school'. I am not that popular after the food incident which I am glad for but honestly... do I really have to be part of this? Jongin talked to me first. Kai should just fuck off and leave me be. Same with his brother. I didn't ask for this to happen. I am no one who needs friends, and I told Jongin before that he should stop following me around. he causes nothing but trouble. That day in the locker room was enough for me.

Stepping into the men bathroom, I am greeted with Kim Kai who does his business. Five steps into the room and my reflection are seen in the mirror by the pissoir. Kai looks up and our eyes met shortly.

Well we can't change it, can we? I really need to use this bathroom and the next is miles away, but Kai apparently is not thinking with this peaceful mindset. I believe he doesn't even have one.

He looks angry, really angry when he watches me walk hesitantly to the farthest pissoir from him and he doesn't even wash his hands, what the most disturbing thing is for me, when it happens.

I am not someone who got bullied in school before. Most people don't really see me. I am invisible and I loved it. I didn't get in trouble much but for me being late to class. I had normal grades, so I wasn't a nerd in any subject either and I had two "friends", which didn't make me an outsider. Even though our group of friends consisted of only outsiders. I am no one. No nerd, no hipster, no psycho, no musician. I am only Do Kyungsoo with his mistakes and flaws. A human being like everyone else but I can hide pretty well in crowds, in class and lock away the things I so desperately want to voice.

I learned to keep my mouth shut early in life. I learned that it is no use when I scream out for help because nobody will even turn their attention to me. I learned it the hard way. I understand now that it is useless to try your best because you don't get the praises you deserve. It only brings pain and sorrow, anger and frustration. All the emotions that I know how to feel. I mentioned it before. I am not different than others but I manage to stay calm in all kinds of situations. I tend to ignore, to keep problems and worries away and not let them get to me easily. I am a master at keeping everything that may hurt me away.  
   
I don't even flinch when the first push comes. I have already imagined and expected it. Even if I don't know why or when it happened that Kim Kai has started to dislike me. Two days only, and I already have my personal bully.

Maybe I shouldn't have sat down on that table but well... I needed a place to sit and eat my food calmly. Kai and his friends could have sat beside me and I wouldn't have even acknowledged them and they could have done their own business. That's not difficult for me, to ignore people, who are talking.

But Kai saw it differently and I am should not think much about it anymore. I don't understand it anyway. What happened, happened. No use in turning back time for anybody. But his little freak out in the locker room is a mystery to me. Was it because of Jongin? Our position? Was it because I was in the same room with a person that is dear to Kai? Because I now know that Jongin is more than precious to Kai. The twins are inseparable, glued on the hip together and I don't mind that. Let them be, I think by myself but Kai hates my attitude how it seems.

Why would he have punched and kicked me to the ground, spit on my face and dig his toes into my rips without even saying a word of explanation then? He only looks at me with full hatred in his eyes. I don't know what it is that burns in his eyes but it's definitely fire, a passion. I don't know how to feel but small. I feel small, panting, coughing when I lay down on the cold floor with Kai looking down on me like I am dirt on his feet. It hurts. A little, but Kai doesn't seem satisfied yet. The question remains. Why is he doing this? What did I do? 

A head pokes in the bathroom. It's Jongin's. For a brief second, I see something that reminds me of concern for another being in his eyes but then he flashes a smile while his eyes are focused on me on the ground and it doesn't falter. He keeps smiling and his soothing voice stops Kai from kicking my ribs again.

"Kai what are you doing with Kyungsoo?"

"Nothing.", Kai replies and straightens himself. I am still breathless from the beating, my head is spinning and I am not really sure what is going on. Am I hallucinating?  

Jongin moves into the bathroom and he only looks at me briefly once again before stretching his hand out. Not to me but to Kai. "Let's go Kai, bring me to my next class, will you? I feel a bit faint.", the younger twin asks, showing his white teeth and Kai nods his head eagerly.

"Yes let's go Jongin.", he says with a smile on his own and they both don't turn around to spare me a second glance when they disappear from my blurred sight. The tanned male simply goes over to his twin and takes the outstretched hand that firmly squeezes his before walking away.  I am not really sad about it or anything. Just thankful that Kai is gone now.

I still lay down on the cold tiled floor when the melody tunes in to start a new class.

I focus on the pain and the new wounds on my skin and I am thankful that there are not too deep. Only small cuts and bruises, nothing too serious.  The pain brings me back to that time in the park and I curl up into a ball, pressing my mouth shut so no sounds can escape. I feel my eyes well up but why? I haven't cried since back then. I have no reason to cry, to let out my emotions and the frustration building up inside of me, so I won't let myself be so weak anymore. I gulp and wipe away the water that dares to escape from my eyes. I won't cry because of this.

This beating is nothing to me. I have experienced worst.

I don't know what to think anymore, don't know what just happened but it is like a movie playing in front of my eyes over and over again. 

How Kai grins when grabbing my arm. How strong he had been when pushing me to the dirty ground. How his eyes darkened when I squeaked in surprise. His hands were rough when they pulled me, his voice, his firm, and cold voice when he starts cursing under his breath. 

"Don't you ever dare to touch him.", Kai said like a mantra, kicking my ribs and stomach but my face he never touched. He only looked into my eyes and watched me, hissing when I didn't even make a grimace. That was all he did but it gave me a pain I don't understand.

Why?, the question remains.

Holding my head in my arms, closing my eyes tightly shut and taking deep breaths, I try to calm down the trembling of my limbs. I don't understand anything anymore. It's all too strange for me. The people here are weird, the teachers are weird, the bathroom reeks disgusting, the corridors are too small, the whole building and the devices which check your data everywhere you go is more than freaking me out.

I don't know why I am here. I don't know why I got beaten. I don't know why I am left alone. I don't understand why I am doing nothing but accept my fate but I never learned how to stand up for myself. I saw people do it but get hit harder after they tried to say something. I saw people being dismissed after they got a good word in or two. Everyone seemed to have something in common. They never gave up but I can't. I just can't stand up. not for myself or anyone else. There is nothing. I don't feel anything. There is a void, smiling back at me. N O T H I N G N E S S.

Can someone teach me? Can someone save me?

 

My back and stomach hurt the whole day after that encounter with Kai. I occasionally let out groans and sighs when I move my way back to class and I get strange looks from other pupils. God thanks, I don't have physical education today, Mr. Yoo would kill me.

Only two days and I already feel exhausted.

It's dinner time, school ended long ago and I avoided to look into Jongin's direction all the while. I don't really care about Kai's reaction when he sees me with Jongin together. At least not really, now that I know what I have to expect. It will hurt a lot but in the end what can I do? The younger twin keeps getting on my nerves and whatever I say he gets more annoyed with every word. Why does he do that?

"Jongin.", I call his name when I walk towards the cafeteria, limping a little because my ankle is still swollen.

"What is it Soo?", the boy replies with a grin and I take a sniff in the air, sighing. 

"Are you on something?", I ask, just a little bit out of curiosity. I mean he acts suddenly so nice and different towards me. In the men bathroom, he ignored me and now when I think about it I feel betrayed. That is new.

Right now, I feel somewhat annoyed but I don't really know why I want to know something about Jongin when I should stay away or ignore him as he did to me. I have known him for two days and usually, I am not interested in other people this quickly. Maybe it's because I don't have anyone here to still my curiosity. "No why?", the boy answers then, face expressionless and serious. I know he is lying and that he tries to fool me. it is making me somewhat angry. I never have been angry at strangers before but Jongin makes me feel things that I don't want to know about but I can't control it.

I don't say anything after that and Jongin seems pleasant about me not talking back at him. He is smiling brightly once again and links our hands together. What is he doing this for? Even if I don't mind being beaten up or being talked about, I never have said that it was okay for him to touch me like this. I haven't held someone's hand in ages. Youngsoo's being the last one before the accident happened.

"Let go of me!", but Jongin doesn't seem to have heard me. I stop in my tracks and Jongin stops as well, wide and surprising eyes staring back at me. He frowns before walking back to me and standing awkwardly beside me. "Did something happen, Soo? Why did you stop?", he asks, squeezing the hand he still hasn't let go off.

"I asked you to let go of my hand. I don't actually like to be touched without my permission and why are you calling me Soo? Am I a dog for you? You command me around like one too!"

"But Kai can touch you then?", the younger male asks ignoring my other accusations swiftly. He tilts his head to the side. I huff before I can feel my cheeks redden. I don't understand what he is talking about. As if I wanted to get hit and injured in the first place.

"No. Why do you think that?", I ask while maneuvering myself in the line of people who want to get into the cafeteria. Jongin stands behind me and I can feel his body heat on my back. I don't know what he is doing and he has not answered my former question yet. He seems to ignore it while we wait.

The other twin will remain a mystery to me. Kai seems to have reasons to bully me, kind of... he doesn't seem to like me being near his brother and well in some way I can understand that. I have tried to protect Youngsoo from any harm as well but in the end, I failed miserably. Maybe he is afraid to do the same, to fail? But Jongin is not here for nothing. He is addicted and his code is green. I haven't seen Kai's code yet but I can guess that he has done something really bad in his teenage years or even earlier. Something bad must have happened in the twins' environment otherwise they would not be here. Why did Jongin get drug-addicted? Did he try it out and then couldn't stop? Or didn't something horrible make him do it, so he could forget? I thought about taking drugs before too. I didn't, obviously but I had been close to trying them before my parents decided to send me here. 

"Say Soo... he hurt you earlier, didn't he? I know I told you that I don't apology on behalf of my brother but I somewhat feel sorry.", the twin finally says before hugging my back without warning. I jump at the closeness and almost fall forward but Jongin holds me in place. This... I have certainly not expected to happen.

"Stop Jongin! I said I don't like to be touched. And why would you feel sorry? Yes, I clearly remember that you told me that you never apologize to your brother's victims. What changed your mind?"

Jongin stays quiet for some time after that and I absently ask myself when I will be let into the canteen. I can hear my stomach rumble and growl for food and the people around me are already throwing looks in my and Jongin's direction. I never liked it when the attention of people was on me. It's somehow... embarrassing.

"You are right. I never apologized ever before, that's weird. I am acting weird.", Jongin whispers into my ear which makes me shiver. I sigh and step forward, getting my code card ready. I log in and the next second I am in the cafeteria with full tables and people eating their food in silence. Again it is the complete opposite of the mood that goes around the canteen at lunch break and I wonder why around this hour of the day, the pupils act so normally.

After, I feel Jongin stepping in behind me, I walk towards the line that waits for the food. Why haven't I immediately walked towards that line of people and waited for Jongin is unclear to me but I did wait and Jongin seems to like it? "Hey do you want to sit with me and my friends?", the young male asks with a wide grin adorning his face and I frown before shaking my head.

"I have enough of Kai for the day, thank you very much.", I answer and it makes Jongin laugh out loudly. It's the loudest sound in the cafeteria and the students turn their heads towards us but when they see who made the noise, they immediately go back to eating and minding their own business. Maybe Kai has threatened everyone to not hurt Jongin? Perhaps, that's why Luhan had been close to crying the first day we had p.e. and he accidentally kicked the ball too far and hit Jongin on the head. It would make sense. He kicked and spit at me after he insulted and humiliated me in the cafeteria. Maybe it was payback for my emotionless reaction but I can't claim that I am a talkative person in the first place. Kai doesn't know me at all, how can he judge me and label me as something I am not?

"I haven't said 'brother' mind you, I mentioned the word 'friends'", Jongin corrects me and I huff quietly to myself. Looking around the canteen to see if my usual spot is taken and to my luck it is, I give in. Two people are sitting there, both are muscular and frowning all the while shoving food into their mouth messily and to be honest, I don't want to sit with them. Maybe Jongin's friends are more friendly-looking and not dreadful.

Jongin is a drug addict, isn't he? What will his supposed to be friends have for a package?

"Why not?", I shrug my shoulders in response and Jongin claps his hands and lets out a girly shriek before shoving me forward because the elderly man behind the counter has asked me for the third time what I wanted to eat already.

After holding my tray with food in my hands, I wait for Jongin to get his own food. His tray is only filled with one plate. Four lettuce leaves, two sorts of beans, dressing and a white toast being the only thing deemed eatable for him, how it seems. The young male grins at me and after he sees my look at his tray, he shrugs his shoulders and says he is not that hungry. "I never eat much.", he comments absentminded before leading me to a table that is a little bit away from the one in the middle and the one that Kai had sit on the previous days.

I can't see the other twin anywhere and I am thankful that he won't see me and Jongin together. I don't need another beat up or something close to that. It's bad enough that Kai's friends stare at me like helpless prey. They will probably tell the big boss later that his brother ditched him or something with the new kid.

"This is my best friends around here.", I hear Jongin introduce and I almost walk into him because he stopped all of the sudden. Thankfully, I manage to stop the impact and sigh in relief before Jongin grabs my arm and pulls me to sit in between a stranger with dimples and himself. 

"That's Lay. He is like me and my companion for miserable times. Always there when I need him, right bro?!", Jongin says, bumping fists with the dimple guy who seems to be in a daze. The boy nods his head at me but remains silent. After that he looks at his plate and plays with the food absentminded, not bothering to acknowledge me anymore.

"That is Baekhyun and his older brother Baekbom.", Jongin introduces next and I can't help myself but stare.

One of the boys look at me with a smirk, head tilting to one side and then to the other. He does that move the whole time even when I sat down on the table. He has been the first to get my attention before Jongin introduced me to Lay. The boy seems completely out of it, grinning and moving the whole time. His permanent smile makes me worried. He also looks a little weird. Just different than everyone else but I can't get my mind to it why.

"What's wrong with him?", I ask absently, tilting my head to the side like the man opposite of me has tilted his own. The boy suddenly growls and slams his hands on the table, making weird noises before the male beside him apologizes and pulls him back down on his seat.

"That is Baekbom, my older brother. He has down-syndrome, sorry but he is not so comfortable with new people. He made a big fuss when Jongin started to sit here. You can imagine how Kai reacted, I thought he would kill him.", the boy beside Baekbom explains.

His name must be Baekhyun when the other is his brother. I smile slightly at the both and Baekbom seems to calm down. I never have smiled to anyone since the incident and my last seizure two months ago. It feels unfamiliar and it hurts, so I stop and relax my facial muscles once again. Baekbom doesn't seem to like that as much and he starts making strange noises again.

"He likes you more when you smile.", the boy next to Baekbom comments as a matter of fact. I briefly look at him. He looks like those rich snobs that lived in our neighborhood. People, I never have liked even before my life changed to the worst. They don't know anything about hard work and difficult times, about hardships. They have the money to do anything they want and buy what they desire. They are not nice but can act so well that when you get to know their true self you don't believe it. I should know. My first friend that I ever had was the same.

"Whatever.", I mumble before munching on my salad.

"You are being pretty rude to my friends, Soo.", Jongin scolds me, causing me to close my eyes and take a deep breath. How can he say that? Who is being rude all the time towards me? He and his clingy and megalomaniac brother.

"I was not finished with the introduction.", Jongin then continues with a pout and I sigh. Baekhyun smiles brightly before waving at me.

"How you already know by now, I am Byun Baekhyun. This is my brother and I am here because I stole and injured someone but believe me, I haven't touched that woman at all! She came at Baekbom and slapped him, I needed to defend him and myself.", Baekhyun explains, shrugging his shoulders when he shows me the blue code engraved into his wrist. I stare at him and the boy laughs uncomfortable before he stretches out his hand for a handshake "Nice to meet you, Innocent."

"Yeah nice meeting you both too. My name is Do Kyungsoo by the way.", I mutter before taking his hand hesitantly.

"We know that already."

"His name is Joonmyun by the way.", Jongin says casually, starting to play with his own food and not really looking at this Joonmyun guy or anything. He smiles to himself and I don't really know what I should do.

"Hey.", I wave my hand awkwardly in the air what makes Jongin and Lay laugh out loud.

"I am not that talkative and open-minded like Baekhyun so I won't tell a stranger what I did to whom or what. So spare me with your questions.", Joonmyun snorts before he does who knows what under the table with his hands. Well, I didn't want to know anything about you in the first place. You probably have some mental illness for being this cocky and arrogant.

"Kyungsoo doesn't listen to Joonmyun. If you have any questions or something that includes the institute you should ask. I am sure you were welcomed by Mrs. Kwon. She is not the nicest woman out there.", Baekhyun speaks up first when both boys beside me calmed down from their high. Actually, I shouldn't say that both are not going to calm down from any high any time soon.

"Yeah I noticed. What is her job here anyway?", I take the chance to ask. Baekhyun seems like a nice guy, even if he hurt some random lady and stole something. I don't really care what he has stolen, he certainly had a reason for it and it must have been something big or he wouldn't be here. I mean only stealing some food or such doesn't bring you to a private clinic for maladjusted teenagers and as long as he didn't kill the woman, it is also not a reason for him and his brother to live here.

"She is the so-called school nurse.", Baekhyun explains while patting his brothers back as the boy starts to randomly cough. Baekbom smiles at his younger brother and gives him a sloppy kiss on the cheek as thanks before the boy takes his chopsticks and plays drums with it.

"Nurse? And she said to me that I should never come to her if I needed something.", I say causing the whole table to laugh.

"Well, she tells that to everyone and in the end, we all visit her at least twice a week.", Joonmyun says before doing his business again.

"Why twice?", I ask puzzled. I mean are they all this clumsy or just stupid to get hurt this often?

"Oh you poor thing.", Baekhyun then says and I frown at his weird reaction of my question. Poor? Thing? Is he serious or just referring to me as innocent how he did before? Well, I don't really get this innocent thing at all. Does it mean that I am not a criminal, a drug addict or a dangerous as them?

"Jongin didn't you tell him beforehand? I mean you came with him... He deserves a warning before it happens.", Baekhyun whispers and I cringe inside. What does he mean?

"It already did happen so he knows. I forgot to tell him that Kai was going to be like this. But I saved him before he really had to visit Mrs. Kwon! ", Jongin responds to Baekhyun and the boy grimaces at me apologetically. "Sorry kid. Did it hurt a lot?", the boy asks and I shrug, wondering if that really was Jongin's intention when he came to get Kai.

"A little but I can't change it now, can I? And this one", I point at Jongin with my thumb "won't leave ma lone anyways." Even now, he can't keep his hands off and tries to hold hands under the table. Why is he doing this? I already said that I don't like to be touched but he just can't let it go.

"A little? I got the shock of my life when he cornered me. God thanks, he has a liking towards me or I would have lost my eye sight for sure. I heard Kai has murdered their father. How dangerous must he be?", Baekhyun whispers to me with a hand covering his mouth. It's probably so Jongin doesn't hear him gossiping about his twin but he does anyway, glaring at the smaller and paler male who wears too much eyeliner how I notice. Is that even allowed? 

"He killed him only because he abused our mother! He wanted to protect us! We were children and didn't know better!", Jongin yells and defends his older twin brother. My eyes widen at the powerful voice Jongin lets out and he doesn't seem as out of it as he was before. He seems to have a clear mind now and reprimands Baekhyun for his wrong conclusion and I don't really know if I should back away from Jongin a little bit more. 

At first, I thought it was just a story, gossip that is talked in every normal school but more hardcore. I mean who would stay calm when a possible murder runs around the school but here in this clinic everyone seems to be nuts.

That reminds me. What did Lay and Joonmyun do to be here? I know, I said I don't want to know but I am curious. Lay seems to be a drug addict like Jongin. The boy hinted it and Lay hasn't said a word until now, dazing off while looking ahead at Joonmyun who sits opposite of him. The snob is playing with his fingers under the table still and doesn't bother to join the conversation as well. I am glad he does not talk much. I have the feeling, I won't get to like him anyway. His attitude already sucks but I don't really know if it's because his smile is so ugly or his voice is so annoying.

"Soo, you don't have to listen to Baekhyun anymore. Let's better listen to what Baekbom has to say to this topic.", Jongin pulls me out of my thoughts and I look at him confused. As far as I know, children with down-syndrome are not all able to talk properly and be understandable while doing it. Baekbom only grunts and squeaks a little in his seat and I honestly don't believe that he can speak a proper sentence.

Still Jongin stares at me with a wide smile, showing all his white teeth. His eyes wrinkle and for a tiny moment, so short I think I myself have gone crazy, he looks cute and not as annoying as I labeled him to be.

Shocked because of my own strange thinking today, I nod my head and Jongin seems happy. Why is this all so confusing and complicated? What is going on all of a sudden? I never even cared about making someone happy. I am Do Kyungsoo and I don't change for people, if I ever do, I want to change for myself. 

I turn to look at Baekbom, seeing out of the corner of my eyes how Baekhyun snort at Jongin's behavior. 

"What do you think about Kai Bomie?", Jongin asks sweetly, grin still at a place and Lay next to me sighs before Baekbom answers the question.

"F-fucker!", Baekbom says, clapping his hands and smiling at Baekhyun who sadly smiles but nods. He pats the boys head and Baekbom goes back eating his dinner.

"Well, I think that was pretty clear, wasn't it?", Joonmyun has to have the last word and with that, he disappears, leaving us alone and going off somewhere. 

"Jongin doesn't take it too seriously.", Lay then voices. It is the first words, he has spoken at this table and I look at him to see a dimpled smile. Even if I sit in between the friends, Lay seems to look through me. He pats Jongin's back with his arm wrapped around my shoulder before standing up to leave. "I will be going then, not that Joonmyun does something stupid again like escaping.", he says before he goes after Joonmyun, leaving his full plate behind.

Watching Jongin, look down on his plate, he plays with his food some more. He pouts at Baekbom's answer and his friends leaving. He seems to let down, and I want to squeeze his hand which is still intertwined with mine. I stop myself in time. I shouldn't. What am I thinking? Trying to distract myself I look around the table.

"Say, why does Baekbom think everything is funny?" I didn't want to ask that out loud but it just blurted out my mouth, making me hide behind my bangs. Baekbom giggles in his hand while hiding and catching a glimpse at me through his fingers. I can't help but think that he has a cute aura around himself even if he has some bad words coming out of his mouth when he starts talking.

"I am not sure but isn't he cute~", Baekhyun voices my thoughts out loud and I nod my head while watching Baekbom doze off. He changes his mood pretty quickly but Baekhyun doesn't seem to mind at all. He lets his brother take his shoulder as support when he closes his eyes and takes a nap.

While watching the both interact and ignoring Jongin's glare, I wonder why Baekbom is here. This is not a place for him to be but maybe he followed his brother? Perhaps, he was thereby Baekhyun's side when he stole something? But still, Baekbom is ill in another why as those patients here. It doesn't make any sense to me.

"Why do drug addicts don't eat much?", I question next to get rid of the awkward silence. I have already finished my food and Jongin is the only one who hasn't eaten much yet. I wonder if that is healthy. Him not eating. How does Kai react to that? Does he force food down his brother's throat when he has the chance?

"Jongin stop glaring like that. Don't you see Kyungsoo feels uncomfortable."

"That is the use of staring Hyung, to make the other uncomfortable and show them that they said something inappropriate.", Jongin states and I have to give him that.

He is right. I shouldn't have been this rude towards him and his friend but somehow I am curious. I want to know more, something I never voiced out loud but secretly observed. Maybe it's the comfortable atmosphere around Baekhyun and his brother or because I am not alone with Jongin anymore but I feel like exploring this place, seeing what is going on around here and who I have to watch out for. It's probably every patient in this building. I mean all teens that are crowded in here, have a package to carry and all of those pupils seem to have done something illegal and dangerous in their life until now. Everyone has experienced one or two things that changed them to the worst. I know how it feels. I mentioned it before, didn't I? I am not different from everyone else. I live my life and I have my fair share of bad and good times but I can't really appreciate the good ones and decrease the influence of the bad ones.

"Sorry. I was just curious." 

"Nah it's fine!", Baekhyun waves me off. "Everyone is curious and I mean if I was in your place I would ask all the questions I have because it will be too late at some point.", he adds, making me stare at him with a tilt of my head.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It's just that Baekbom and you are the only known innocent people in this institute. Thanks to Chanyeol who blurted out your status in the lobby of the dorm. You are not safe anymore. In addition, you own the only one-bedroom. Something Wu Kris has desired for one full year now. He has such luck that his father is a well-known businessman or he would already have been taken to a real prison. I mean the guy is crazy, totally, absolutely!", Baekhyun explains eagerly, bumping absently his elbow in his brother's sides for acknowledgment and Baekbom nods his head sleepy but frantically before shoving his last fork of rice into his mouth. Of course, almost the whole rice bundle lands back on his plate and the searching for the single corns begins from new.

"Besides Kris is best friends with Park Chanyeol and when you can be friends with that psycho who burns and lets everything explode what he finds interesting, you have to hide and not be friends with either one of them.", Baekhyun continues with a wave of his hand as if he gave the best advice on earth and is proud of himself. Well, I am thankful for the information but honestly... who is that Wu Kris guy? And to describe Chanyeol like that... he is loud and ominous but I mean the boy hasn't acted that crazy in front of me yet, just really loud and when he likes to make things explode, it's clear that he can't hear that well anymore but wait one second. Doesn't that means that Chanyeol is a pyromania?

"Yes he is a pyromania Soo.", Jongin answers my not voiced question. Can he read minds now?

"No I can't read minds but your facial expression says everything."

"Well then stop looking at me because it's frustrating and irritating me!", I say but Jongin only pouts before clinging onto my arm all of the sudden. What the hell is he doing now?

"Stop that! Jongin I said I hate skinship!", I hiss, trying to pry his fingers and face away from me. Shoving him off with my hand on his head doesn't look that elegant but it works, because Jongin lets go with a huff and a sad look in his eyes. What is wrong with this kid?

"Oh you both look cute together."

"C-cute!", Baekbom repeats his brother's words and mirrors his hand action, clapping wildly and grinning from ear to ear as he watches us intensely.

"What-"

"Better as the whole incest thing going on when Kai sits here.", he adds, poking his tongue out at Jongin before making weird noises that Baekbom -of course- needs to imitate.

"Please spare me with the details.", I say but Baekhyun only laughs obscenely.

"Well yeah! You'll see soon enough, right Jonginnie? Tomorrow you will eat with Kai, will you? He is probably banging someof his friends right now or maybe Mr. Choi at the moment. Ditched you again, huh?", the light criminal teases the other boy sitting beside me.

Uh... that's some information I haven't even thought off until now.

"Don't say that so loudly! Kai is not like that-", Jongin tries to ease the tension in the air but Baekhyun keeps going.

"I heard something different. He fucks Mr. Choi even in your room when you are there, sleeping. It's worst enough that he is doing it with a teacher but he really has no moral left in his fucked-up mind and body. I hate him so much.", Baekhyun whispers the last words pejoratively, eyes burning with flames and I don't know why but I let Jongin hold my head and squeeze it as tightly as he wants. At the moment, I don't care about the support and comfort he gives himself with it.

"He is not like that Baekhyun. He is my brother and I love him. No matter what you say our relationship will not change. Do not be so jealous!"

"I am not jealous, Jongin. Nobody is!", Baekhyun says, at this point breathing heavily. "Nobody!", Baekbom copies again.

"C' mon we go Soo! I don't want to talk with Baekhyun-Hyung today anymore." Jongin pulls me up from my seat and we go out of the glass building, letting our trays on the table with a furious looking Baekhyun and a happy giggling Baekbom who doesn't understand what is going on.

We walk in silence and I am thankful that I am out of there. I couldn't take the yelling anymore even if Baekhyun seems like a nice guy, he acts like a diva and likes to gossip a lot. Usually, I wouldn't hang out with this kind of person. I don't like to talk about others behind their backs but how it seems Baekhyun doesn't even care when a family member is present.

"Hey don't listen to what Baek just said.", Jongin pleads when we are on our way to the dorms. He looks at the ground and I can't see his face probably in the dark. The small light of the lanterns that light the path through the forest is not bright enough. He is shadowed, hiding from any gaze. The younger is walking in front of me, leading the way and I pat his back to comfort him a little. Why am I doing this?

You are so out of character, Kyungsoo. This Jongin is not good for you. Stay Away! 

"I don't really care. It won't really change anything for me.", I say out loud to him and Jongin chuckles.

"He is jealous because Kai didn't want and refused him. You know Kai only loves me.", Jongin explains determined and sure of himself. He dances like a fairy, gentle and soft footing on the small path that is surrounded by trees. Strangely Jongin looks content.

"Oh."

"Don't you want to know if what Baekhyun-Hyung said is true? About my father?"

"Not really. If you don't want to tell me, let it be.", I respond when I stare at Jongin, mesmerized by his movements. He doesn't seem to notice my intense staring, so I keep looking at him, wondering what this person makes so special that I start to care.

"Well you know Baekhyun is right. Kai stabbed and beat up our father. He was no nice man, always coming home drunk and abusing our mother. She worked so hard to get money. She gave everything up for us. I always found it sad when she came home and reeked of other men. Kai has not liked it either but father started to hate her for that but he himself never started to work again after he lost his job.", Jongin keeps on talking, letting his story out into the forest and to the birds that are still chirping in the high trees, nature creating a safe wall and space for us.

I keep quiet when he starts after a small pause, frowning at his words and at the experience that his brother and he himself had to call their life story. "Kai has been the best brother. I was sick a lot as a kid and Kai helped me when mother worked and father was out of the house. He would always care for me as he does now. That's why he doesn't like other people near me. He thinks I'll go away and leave him alone as mother did to us. I think she found someone better than her father because someday she never came back from work. Her things remained all there but mom never showed up to get them. Father was really angry. He hit me a lot, saying it's my fault she is gone and I believed him. I was such a problem child and always made trouble in school for being so weak and stupid so it must be my fault that she was gone, am I right? But Kai thought differently and as father took a broken glass bottle of his favorite alcohol brand to hit me, Kai stabbed him in the back."

Jongin stopped there in the middle of the path and I halted as well. We arrived at the dormitory and Jongin's relaxed shoulders tensed again. I touch his shoulder carefully to asks what was wrong but as my fingers made contact with his covered skin the twin visibly relaxed. 

"I thought you where gone.", he whispers before turning around and taking my hands in his.

"Someday, I tell you the whole story." There is still more? "But I think we don't know each other that well yet so I keep it at that. I will be here tomorrow. I want to go together to the first lesson with you but I may be a little late, Kai always makes me stay a little longer.", Jongin says sheepishly before smiling down at me. He looks refreshed, somehow likes another person and I don't know if the drugs he took wear off but like this, he seems more like himself, more content and happy but easily on edge.

"We'll see if I wait here for you.", I say, watching Jongin pout but nod his head.

"Will Kai bully me if he sees us together?", I ask curiously and Jongin stares into the night sky before answering.

"Probably."

"Well that's a nice thing to know."

 

 


	4. annoyance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> annoying brothers

Jongin waited. He really did wait for me in the morning after and every other day. I don't really know how to feel about that.

He doesn't understand that I need my private space and time. He is like my former so-called friends, who always bothered and distracted me. It is annoying.

Every time, I try to avoid him, he is there, waiting. I tried to reason with him. I mean, his brother is bullying me whenever he sees me in the halls. It's disturbing and annoying. I am not used to attention, not used to have to deal with nerve-racking people. Actually, I thought I would never have anything to do with them either. But here I am, hiding in a janitor closet because Kim Kai is searching for me. Wanting revenge but for what I still don't really understand.

Kim Kai definitely has a brother complex and it's certain to say that his twin is the same. I watched them, how Baekhyun has advised me to and I noticed the signs immediately. Being overprotective and cuddly is one thing but kissing and groping is another. I never have seen anything like that and now I feel corrupted. I can't stop looking at them. Whenever I see them, whenever I make eye contact with one of the twins, I feel my cheeks heat up. I don't know why my body is reacting this way. I feel weird. 

Well at first, I thought I was seeing stuff. An illusion that makes one wonder their own mental state. It's morally incomprehensible to me. How is that possible between brothers? Twins at that, who grew up in their mother's womb together. It is gross but fascinating at the same time. Maybe it is that. The weird feeling... Fascination.

Sitting in the canteen and having to see them make out and whispering to each other, made me feel a bit sick. My cheeks heat up once again, my stomach starts to hurt, my eyes can't stray away. I get it. It has to be disgust.

It's already one week ago since I first saw them going at it and I started to ignore and avoid the topic as best as I could but sometimes Jongin suddenly starts to talk about his brother.

I don't know why. I never have shown any real interest before but Jongin doesn't seem to mind my ignorance. What did I do to deserve this torture? Just what?

It's the next Thursday and my one week anniversary in this clinic. So far so good. I think I managed to get a routine in my current daily life.

The only thing that has changed are the nightmares that started to return to me. Some nights I get flashbacks. I dream of my younger brother, screaming for help. Crying and wailing filling the empty house. Smoke starting to rise and my breathing getting shallow. I sometimes feel the heat on my skin before I wake up. In the mornings after the sleepless nights, I feel lifeless. Laying in bed and imagining how my nine-year-old brother might have felt that evening. How betrayed and confused about the situation he must have been before the fire took him.

He only wanted to eat something, that had been his only intention and it ended with his death. I don't want to remember but I do and I can't stop the memories from coming back to me and destroying the last peace, I thought I would have. From all sides, I get swallowed into an abyss.

Walking the corridor and seeing the patients stare at me when I walk past them, reminds me of our neighborhood. People used to stare at me back then too. With sad and judging instead of curious and angered eyes but still. The feeling on my skin is the same. Shivers run down my spine and my hands get incredibly cold. The students here still have the food incident in mind when they see me. It's the first impression and it hardly will leave the minds of the others. All of those teenagers surrounding me have nothing better to do than to gossip, to twist facts and to judge me. Actually, it is my time to judge. They have done bad things to themselves or others.

I should feel bad for them, I think while being hunched in a corner of the janitor closet. They have no hobbies here at all. The only thing these people do here is bullying others, fighting, crying or going to their therapy sessions. They have a schedule figured out for them but the lessons are a joke and I don't know about there private therapy hours but they don't seem to change much after them. They always look empty. All of them. I had enough time to observe them. In general, no one seems to appreciate their time here. There is no place where they can unwind. Always being imprisoned. That sucks. I have been here for one week only and I feel like shit more than I have before.  

When Kim Kai finds me in the janitor closet, knees to my chest and eyes glassy. I don't even cry out or defend myself. It wouldn't make a difference. The weird metallic taste in my mouth when Kai starts to abuse me again, gets stronger. It's a welcomed taste now. This feels like a hobby to him. A thing where he can unwind his aggression and even if I am his punching bag, I don't feel like stopping him. I feel things when he pushes me to the ground. I feel pain and an ache in my chest, when he looks at me with these hurtful eyes. If I had the strength to fight back, I would have used it ages ago. I would have no reason to be here if I knew how to do it.

"You don't seem to mind when I hit you. Say what is wrong with you, freak?", are Kai's first real words to me today but I grit my teeth together, refusing to answer. There is no way I'm telling him why. It's none of his business.

"You're fucking mute now? It doesn't seem like it when you talk with Jongin. Didn't I already warn you not to go near him and what are you doing fatty, huh? This-", a punch follows his words "is the consequence- for your behavior. ", he ends his shout, letting go of my collar. I fall backwards to the wall that gives me a little support to hold me upwards. It's only one week and I feel exhausted, drained and more confused than ever in my life.

"Say, Kyungsoo can you cry?", Kai kneels down a little so he can make eye contact with me but instead, he spits in my face, something I would want to do to him instead. I don't need another bruise or I really need to see the nurse.

"Answer me you fag!", Kai pushes, kicking against my chest to make me stop squirming. I hear a cracking sound through the silence but I probably am only imagined things. My erratic breathing is the only thing disturbing the silence and Kai doesn't seem to have heard the cracking so he doesn't hesitate to bring me to my feet again and slam me against the wall with all his strength. My shirt rips into half and I cough blood. No way, there is no way I won't need to see the nurse this time. It's the third serious beat up in one week and to be honest, I don't look forward to the ones that will follow this one.

"Are you deaf? ANSWER ME DO KYUNGSOO!"

"H-how do you even know my n-name?", I manage to ask back, eyes blurred and my mind spinning. My vision goes black when Kai let's go of me suddenly and I collapse into a lump on the dirty ground. "You think Jongin doesn't talk about you? You're topic number one.", Kai hisses at me.

Well, now I know who I can thank for the broken rib and smashed nose. Grinning uncoordinated, I spat out the blood in my mouth. It lands in front of Kai's shoes but I only get a light kick against my ankle for the action. I thought another big and heavy weight would come my way but Kai ruffles his blond hair only, red straining his temples and cheek.

"Don't you cry when sad or angry? Can you even cry? Did someone make you feel so hopeless that you cried ever before? Tell me, I want to know.", Kai continues.

"No."

"Well, then I'll be your first time. The first one who makes you cry. Promise.", he smirks, grabbing my wrist and linking our pinkies together. Blood leaves a visible trail and mark on my skin but Kai only smiles before he stands up and straightens himself.

"I'll keep an eye on you, Kyung. ", Kai warns, ruffling my already messy black hair in a strangely comforting way. He walks out of the closet and silence hits me again. The cold air is cooling my heated skin and calming me down until I feel my limbs once again. Standing up, I groan, it still leaves an ache even if I thought the numbness has already overtaken my body.

Slowly, I get out of the janitor's closet, wondering where the man had been all this time. Maybe he would have come in time but who wants to have anything to do with a red wrist? Probably nobody but me.

I particularly provoke the beatings and the bullying, I realize when I wobble down the empty halls and past the high windows in direction infirmary.

Why do I keep myself close to Jongin when I know what I will get from it? Is it really because the other male doesn't leave me alone? Or do I not push him away as urgently as I should do? I have no idea but I know that this feeling that I have at the moment is precious in a twisted kind of way.

Maybe I need the attention. The attention that I have never been given before, not from my parents or friends. No one ever gave a fuck about me. To realize that is a big deal for me. Maybe I don't need to learn how to feel but to understand what I feel and why.

"Say Soo, can I ask you something?", Jongin asks me when we sit down in our assigned desk's chairs the next day. He looks at me with wide and searching eyes. He probably is looking at the new purple bruises like fingertips on my jaw and the black eye I show freely without a care.

It's not like I could cover it in the first place, I don't have make-up on me and I avoided Baekhyun and his brother as good as possible so they wouldn't see me and drag me away to the nurse office.

"You just asked."

"No, not like that!", Jongin immediately says, shaking his head frantically before smiling and spreading his arms out.

"Do you want a hug?"

"No.", I respond coldly, looking back at my notes but Jongin doesn't take his arms down but instead shows a pout.

"Do you even know what I just offered?"

"Yes. I am not deaf.", I absently remind, side glancing at him and frowning at his behavior. He always acts this weird, I seriously have a hard time trying to figure him out but maybe I don't even need to. The best would be to stay away from him completely. Bad that we are seatmates in every class.

"What did I say then?", Jongin keeps asking and I sigh before repeating his question. Why is he doing this?

"Do you want a hug?"

"IF YOU INSIST!", he shouts before embracing me. It's my luck that the teacher went out of the room a second ago to get something and let the door open. Kai -of course- has to pass by and see me engulfed in a tight hug by his beloved twin brother. The dead glare that I received is not worth it.

"Jongin stop it!", I don't know why I am even trying to stop him. He never will stop annoying me and getting me into trouble, I guess.

Right then the teacher walks in again, telling Kai off for not being in class. He shuts the door in the twin's face and I sigh in relief. Now I don't have to worry about the glare and about the person behind it for at least 30 minutes.

"Theme for the project that I already mentioned to you is now settled. I talked to your therapists and finally got the start signal. You are all doing very good recently, they praised.", Mr. Jung says with a heartwarming smile that gives me shivers.

"Do you go to a therapist?", I quietly ask Jongin when our homeroom teacher starts to explain the details to the so-called project once again. I hope it's no team project because I never have liked that and never have actually worked in a team before. It has always been just me and working together with other people sounds suspect to me.

"Don't you know that all of us here have a therapist? Why are we here Soo, huh? What do our parents tell us when sending us here?", Jongin starts off, glancing at me for a short second.

I don't know if I should answer that question. Of course, everyone here has a therapist. That was stupid to ask but I haven't been to a session. No one told me that I have a therapist, where I could go to. So I suspected that some students don't have a therapist in the frist place. Maybe those who haven't done anything too bad. But at the end of the day, everyone here did something in their life which made them end up here. Maybe I don't have any because of my status as an innocent? Nobody said and explained anything to me. The only thing I know for sure is that my parents send me away to a private clinic for impaired teenagers and that I will need to stay here until I am twenty years old. That's all and nothing more.

"The people working here are trying to make us fit into society. We, young adolescents, are the future and nobody wants to see us at the age of twenty in a prison or rehab. However, when I listen to Mr. Yoo's speeches, I think he only wants that. He always screams and insults us, he pisses me off.", Jongin answers his own question when I don't say anything in return immediately. His eyes are directed at the front now and it's the first time I see him acting like this.

The whole former week, he has been his bubbly and moody self but now he looks rather serious. Jongin hasn't smiled as much today, I realize when Mr. Jung comes around the tables with a bowl in his hands. It somehow makes me think if his stock of grass is already empty but then again before Mr. Jung came into the classroom he was his old self, clingy and annoying. Maybe he knew that Kai would pass by and did it in purpose? Maybe he wants me to get hurt...

"Draw a partner Mr. Do. I hope you listened to the rules and notifications that I listed earlier."

"Of course I did.", I respond but Mr. Jung only chuckles slightly.

The project is simply based on investigations. We draw the name of one of our classmates and have to observe and get to know them. Everyone gets a different name and has to communicate with this person for at least half a year. It is autumn and in spring we need to give our information to the therapist written under the name we have drawn. It's easy and with my ability to understand and question at the same time, I don't have any trouble memorizing the explanation Mr. Jung has given us. The teacher doesn't seem to believe me but he always acts strange around me, so I don't really care.

"Which name do you have?", Jongin quickly asks when Mr. Jung walks down the other row of pupils. I stare at the teachers back for a moment before focusing my attention on Jongin. He already has looked at his own paper but he doesn't look that happy to me, perhaps I am imagining things again.

"Look! Look!", he almost yells at me and I unfold the piece of paper slowly.

Lu Han 20.4

Dr. Lee SooMan

"Lu Han."

"Like the Luhan? That's great! I have Sehun, his friend. We can observe them together now!", Jongin grins from one ear to the other and I sigh. It's better than to work in a team or something, I only have to talk to Luhan and then observe him from time to time. That's nothing bad and sounds easy.

"Luhan! Sehun!", Jongin then calls when the others stand up to search for their mate. Mr. Jung has dismissed the class before the melody actually rang so the patients could already start to search and talk with their subject.

The melody which I got used to is ringing when Luhan, the pink head, and Sehun, the white head are walking towards us. Luhan smiles and winks at me before sitting down on my desk. I didn't even put my notes away and now he sits on them, well what do I do?

"What is it Jonginnie?", Sehun makes small talk, rubbing his arms as if he was cold. I can see marks on his underarm when he rubs his sleeves too high. Two wrists covered with white scars are shown and I look up at Sehun who acts as if nothing is wrong in this cruel world. There are fresh marks too. I can't really get it into my mind that people would cut themselves for a reason. I never could hurt myself, the others are already doing it for me.

"We've drawn you both! Who is your subject?"

"Kibum.", Luhan says, shrugging. "Mine is Cho Kyuhyun.", Sehun answers.

"Who do you have Jongin? Me or Lulu?", Sehun questions after a pause, glancing at me shortly before focusing on Jongin again who smiles the brightest. I watch how the younger twin brother embraces Sehun all of the sudden and calls: "YOU!" while laughing. Sehun giggles at the act and hugs the brown-haired boy back who starts to jump up and down out of nowhere.

"It's a pleasure to have your eyes on me." Luhan has leaned down to reach my ear. He whispers those words with a smirk on his pink lips before he withdraws his head, our cheeks touching in the process. His fingers trace a line from my cheek to my jaw and I gulp at the intimate action.

I have been too surprised to back away instantly and now I am frozen in place by his touch. What is he doing all of a sudden? He hasn't attracted my attention so far. Lu Han seemed like a quiet observer who only speaks to his closest friends. That's what I already know about him and to be honest, I would want to keep it that way. He is too mysterious for me to figure out, like Jongin and Kai he has something that scares me. I have enough of that already.

"Excuse me?", I breathe but too late then Luhan and Sehun already leave our desks, waving over their shoulders goodbye before disappearing out of the classroom.

"Is something wrong Soo?", Jongin asks me, having leaned in low so he is on eye level with me.

"No I don't think so..." but I am not sure anymore.

 


	5. Chapter 5

I knew he would come and ask me about earlier in the classroom. Question me, why Jongin hugged me or rather why I hugged Jongin but I didn't expect to get kidnapped.

"What the-", I gasp while the grip around my mouth and hands loosens. I am dragged away from the line of people who want to go to the canteen but I can clearly see where I am being taken too. The person behind me is strong and smells like a combination of mint and cinnamon. I think I smelled this combination on two people before.

Mr. Choi and Kai. What could the first person probably want from me? To be honest, nothing. I never did anything bad to Mr. Choi so he has no reason to kidnap me at all. The second individual is more likely to be my kidnapper. He has reasons to drag me away and maybe even finish me off. Hopefully, Kai is not that angry or rather lets me explain what happened instead of immediately throwing punches at me this time.

We step away from the main path that leads to the dormitory and I get dragged along the smaller path around through the forest and to a small cottage that stands in the forest. I have seen it from the glass door of the dorm before, on my first day but I never have felt the need to ask who lives in there and who needs to be separated from the others. I could not care less about that but what if its Jongin's and Kai's territory? I will be fully surrounded by stuff that doesn't belong to me but to the both of them. I will be alone in there and nobody will know that I am missing, waiting or dying in this foreclosed building. Whatever is going to happen to me once Kai has dragged me in his private area, I don't know but I don't want to find out either.

Seeing my death in the eye, I feel a spark in my chest. I don't really know what it is and it is indescribable this feeling. I want to move and resist his hold. I want to fight Kai back and run for my life because today I don't want to be obedient. I don't really know what Kai has done in his life outside of this clinic. If he hurt innocent people? But then again, nobody is innocent and has no debt to take care of. There are always black sheeps in a herd and many sins are done in a life time.

Even if he killed his father how Jongin told me, Kai must have had a reason. He is young. Kai and Jongin are younger than me by a year or two, there is a chance that they went through hell in their childhood days. It's possible that something has triggered in Kai and let him do such cruel things but what did I do to deserve such treatment? Just because Jongin speaks to me, is no good reason to beat me up when nobody is watching. It's no reason to kidnap me because of a small hug that hasn't even been done intentionally either.

I don't need to endure this, I think when the hand around my mouth tightens and cuts off my air supplies. I should have said something to the teachers or Tao earlier. He is the supervisor and should be able to do something against this harassing and bullying, shouldn't he? But still I haven't said anything until now. I start to regret that decision but it's too late already.

We stand in front of the door of the cottage, I notice with a blurry vision. The person who is holding me in place, scans his data silently. A soft clicking sound is heard before my journey continues into a wide room which colors are a wine red, black and white.

I am thrown onto the ground once the door closes behind me and I take deep breathes of air between pants because my neck hurts, my lips seem abused by the harsh hold and my legs are shaking like jelly but I don't even know why that is. Nothing happened so far but the shock that settled in my bones and joins is still making me tremble slightly. With Kai in the same room as me, none of those feelings will fade but he hasn't done anything serious to me yet. Perhaps, I can relax for a little while but Kai never has been very nice and patient with me.

Minutes pass but nobody speaks a word. The cottage has a wood floor with red carpets, I note when my sight clears and my breathing calms down. Everything looks new and it smells nice. I don't dare to look up from the red carpet under my hands to awe at the probably new furniture or even think about the scent that overcomes me while I am breathing. I only see red and can make out brown panels, hoping that the carpet will not have any red strains from me later on this evening.

It has been cold outside in the forest and yard but in here, it's warm and cozy or is it the adrenaline rushing through my veins?

"Hey fatty? WHy are you not looking at me? Stand and look up!", an all too familiar voice commands out of the blue and I was right. Kai is my kidnapper but I can't be fazed and show him how much his action trouble me. It all reminds me of something I thought, I banned a long time ago from my mind. I thought, I kept it all locked in the back of my mind and that it will never resurface but this whole situation makes my memory come back. When I start seeing the pictures again and feel the pain from back then, it will be getting worse for me. I can't let that happen. I need to get out of here and away from Kai maybe I can search for a quiet place and force myself to forget again. It worked once, it will work twice but first...

"Why did you bring me here?", I ask but not doing what he told me to do. I want to look into his eyes so badly and show him that what he is trying to do doesn't impress or affect me but Kai would see right through me; noticing that I am bluffing. On the other hand, I actually want to remain in this position and wait as long until it's all over. I need to escape before he does something.

"Just do as I told you too.", Kai answers me with a serious voice but I am frozen to this spot and I don't believe I can move any time soon. It's like Kai glued me to this floor as he threw me here, like a piece of paper that he wanted to paste but gave up on.

I can't believe it myself but the only thing I can do and want to is talking. It is something I actually don't like to do much but this time, maybe, it will solve the problem and I can live my life like I used too before I met the twins. I don't need Jongin, an annoying junkie trailing after me or a bully like Kai beating me up at random times. I don't need a reminder that the world doesn't allow the weak to live freely and secure. Only the strong people fight and win. Only the strong ones make it through the roughness and cruelty which they have to face in this world and society. There is no place for weaklings and cowards. I tried to mask it and fake a personality I am not. I tried to escape when locking my feelings away, not showing them seemed strong but at the end it only brought me here. In a private clinic for retards and disordered teenagers.

I am not supposed to be here, am I?

My intentions were always pure or is it bad to want to be left alone? I never wanted something different or rather asked for attention. I always stayed in the dark and never stepped up the stage with the spotlights on. Not wanting to stand out too much, I decided to lock away my feelings because it had been the best solution to not get hurt a third and fourth time. Thirteen years is a young age and nine is not different.

"I said: Stand. Up. Look. At. Me. You faggot!", Kai sounds very angry while growling those words but I can't bring myself to look up into his face and see the fury in his eyes. I seriously doubt that it will change anything. It won't help me when I comply to his order. He will do whatever to me anyway. I can imagine it with the late meetings we had. Even if I look up, he will slap me or worse. I don't expect anything different from Kai.

Maybe his brother is a different story. Kim Jongin is nice and if he would be here, he maybe could calm Kai down and help me out of here like he unknowingly did in the bathroom that time. But hold on... Maybe he knew what he was doing? He wanted to help me? Stop interpreting stuff into something that will never be true. Nobody has any interest in you, for helping or staying, supporting or believing your words. Nobody has cared until know how you feel. There is no way a junkie like Jongin starts now.I know all that but Jongin at least is not beating the crap out of me. After the locker accident he also has never brought the topic drugs up ever again. He hasn't talked me into taken drugs either and I am glad he doesn't try to convince me. If he had insisted more on the topic, I maybe would have given in and tried it out, to get away and stay strong in looking indifferent.

But then again, seeing Jongin space out and seeing him completely out of it, is scary. It's awful to see him space out after he went to the toilet or wherever he goes. Whenever I notice, I don't comment on it and let him be. It's not my business anyway but the white powder on his nose is evidence enough for me to reach out and wipe it away. I never did and I do not have the right to say anything about it. I am not his family or close friend who should care but to be honest, I haven't seen Kai do anything about his twin brothers addiction at all. It's unreal for me that he, as his brother does not care. Doesn't Kai love Jongin? Hasn't he claimed it already many times? He protects Jongin from me but I am no harm to him in any way. The drugs are, so why is he letting his frustration out on me? What should I do?

"You should look at me.", Kai says close to my face. I gasp before jerking my head up and meeting Kai's fierce eyes staring into my soul. He kneels in front of me, not moving any closer and I am glad because I already am too close to his face and I absolutely don't like it. I can feel his breath brushing over my skin, my cheeks redden at the feeling and he smells after mint. I gulp when I think about the words he has just spoken. "What?"

"You talked to yourself loudly.", Kai smirks, a hand suddenly shooting up and grabbing my throat, squeezing, causing me to choke. My hands go up to hold onto his wrist. His grip is strong and steady not squeezing as much so that I can't get air into my lungs but not so lightly that I won't feel it either. I just know it will leaves marks. He is not trying to kill me, I notice then and my eyes widen at the realization. Kai only stares into my eyes and grins.

"You're eyes widen when scared, see at least one reaction I get out of you.", the twin says and he stands up pulling me up with him because he still has my jaw between his hands.

"Sit down on that!", Kai orders, pushing me onto a bed that's covered with black blankets and pillows. There is no decoration on the nightstand but a lamp and a flipped frame where a picture must be in but it's hidden away from outsiders. There is another bed in this large room, standing on the opposite side of this one. It's really large, a lot more than the one in my single bedroom.

"I'll tell you why you're here when you are a good boy, understood?", Kai says, walking in circles in front of me, eyes fixed onto me and I feel uncomfortable with his glare. He will beat or insult me rather than talk to me. I can feel it. One wrong word or move and he will raise his hand. This situation is difficult for me to comprehend so I nod my head the slightest bit but Kai has noted my action and smirks before continuing being a tiger in a cage.

"I get that you won't leave Jongin alone. I am not stupid and I see that Jongin is the one always doing the skinship between you two but you don't say anything at all. I watched and I hate it! Stop it and I will leave you alone, did you hear me? It's all I am asking for, to leave Jongin A.L.O.N.E!", Kai explains, eyes never leaving my form and I have to say that this sounds quite nice of a deal to me. If this will solve my problems I don't see the reason why I should refuse. I don't need Jongin in my life or do I?

I am close to agree to Kai suggestion, I really am. I am sick of all the new bruises and stares from the other students. I don't want too much attention on me. It's bad enough that I don't have a code and don't belong to the crowd of people because I am different. Normal, regular. If they knew... if I just knew what to do to blend in here and disappear into thin air so nobody would notice me... I don't know if I can get used to it. I never had real friends or people who were interested in me enough to ask. Sunyung has always been an exception but she has been family in some way. Myungsoo and Seungho always were a nuisance but a way to blend in. With no 'friends' you get to be the outsider of everything. Without people around you, you are a victim to society and a target who is at the mercy of people you don't like, care about or want to be criticized from.

While thinking and staring at Kai in shock, the frontdoor has opened but I only notice when the door closes with a click. A bubbly Jongin steps into the room, all smiles and sunshine and I don't know if I should thank him for suddenly appearing or curse him for getting me into this mess.

"Hey...", the young male starts before he sees me but when he spots my pitiful self his smile falls a little before decorating his features again. He hugs Kai who has frozen in his spot and nuzzles into his neck, making some weird noises or is he whispering to Kai? I am not sure and I don't want to know. This scene reminds me of Youngsoo and our parents, cuddling together on one of the couches in the living room, giggling while watching a movie. I never have sat in the middle of it all and could join them. I always stood by the side and watched and it was fine by me. I never had anything against it but sometimes I wished to sit just beside them and watch the silly movie, laugh together at stupid scenes. I recall a time where I have been the center of their lives and I will admit that I have felt jealousy, after Youngsoo was born but all those feelings changed after that one dreadful night of my nine years old brothers death.

"Soo what are you doing here, spacing out on Kai's bed?", I hear Jongin ask. It's silent for a moment. Not even Kai speaks a word of explanation but he actually should. I still don't really know why I am sitting here and space out on my own when the brothers stand like towers above me, looking down and judging.

"Wait does this mean... do you accept him now Kai? Can we be friends now without you beating him to crap every time? Is that it?", Jongin suddenly says into the silence. He sounds too excited and happy. Who would be happy to be my friend? An emotionless wrack like me?

But when I look up, I can see him staring at his brother. He has a wide smile decorating his tan face and eyes that seem to pop out any minute. They seem to glow with so much emotions and Jongin looks more than joyous.

Jongin tackles his brother the next second when Kai doesn't say anything and only stares with an open mouth at his younger sibling. He has not denied it but also not said that it is the truth. But that can't be the reason why I am here, can it be? Kai said I should stay away from his brother and never come into his sight agai, only then he will leave me alone. His words still ring in my ears and I almost had shaken his hands because deal. No bullying - no problems and beat ups. No Jongin - no Kai. It's a win-win deal for me and him but Jongin, of course has to conclude different things into the whole situation.

There is no reason for me to doubt Kai's intentions but Kai's silence is somehow deafening. The glare he sends me behind his younger twins back is more than convining that it is not all good but Kai has not said anything yet. Why doesn't he just clear the misunderstanding? Is he doing it for Jongin? To make him happy? What's with me, don't I have a say in this?

"That's awesome! I love you so much Kai~", Jongin exclaims, kissing his brothers lips briefly before turning around and facing me. He doesn't look fazed or troubled when he kissed his brother right in front of my eyes. He looks content when he takes my hands and shakes them wildly. The young boy only grins and sways from side to side when he starts talking nonsense about a guy named Chen and his friend, who I absolutely have to met. He came to look for me and saw Kai dragging me away, he explains when he pulls me up from Kai's bed and to the door. I look back. I don't know why but I do.

Kai stares after us. Eyes filled with a sadness I can't understand. A moment ago he wanted to rip me apart, glare me to the ground but now he looks... vulnerable. He is flushed, probably from the kiss his twin forced onto him but they hug and touch each other in the open all the time without blushing. What is going on? Does he really love Jongin? In a romantic way if possible?

I don't get to question the odd scene any longer because Jongin pulls me into the light of the twilight.

\---

"Did you know that according to American Psychology Association, there is a gene which turns people gay and lesbian and it's not a matter of choice?", Chen, the friend Jongin wanted me to met says with a grin and mischief in his eyes. I don't know what to say but he has not stopped dropping fact over fact in my direction, so he leads the whole conversation anyway. Most of the time, I don't even know if he is kidding or if he means every word he said in those 30 minutes.

"You seem sad but did you know that the saddest people tend to also be the nicest?", the black haired continues when I don't answer him in any way. He looks straight into my eyes but I can do nothing but stare back. His smile never fades and Chen makes me more than uncomfortable. Jongin doesn't say a thing either. He sits beside me, smiling at Chen so adoringly as if he takes every word in and treasures their meaning.

I don't know what to say, honestly I feel bad sitting here. The guy next to Chen is not even paying attention. He stuffs his mouth with food and he hasn't said a single word until now, even less than me. I don't even know his name, don't know anything but he is more interesting than Chen, talking as if he knew everything. Absolutely everything. His eyes seem to hold the world and that is scaring me. Does he know about my past? Can he guess?

I look sad? I am not sad just exhausted with everything that happened today. 

"Psychologically, fake smiling causes real happiness so why don't you smile for me once?"

"Huh?"

"Soo, smile once for me too! I want to see it!", Jongin now interferes. He doesn't stare at Chen anymore but me. His hands grab mine and I turn my head in complete confusion. What do they want? Should I fake a smile just because? What is wrong with these people... Oh I forgot, I am in a clinic where only psychos live. But what is Chen's code? He wears long selves, covering the tattoo on his wrist and it is scaring me to not know what he has done in the past. Chen just hides it. He is not like everyone who proudly displays it to the other students, in meant for rank or warning, I don't know but they at least show it. Maybe Chen is someone like Jongin, a junky, high on drugs and that's why he won't stop spilling facts and morals. I don't know.

I don't want to be here and listen or do things I am not comfortable with either and Jongin knows. I can see it. His smile is gone when I don't do as asked and he looks very disappointed but I don't really care. I don't need to do anything he asks me too or what Chen wants me to do. I have the right to refuse. I can say no, not like back then where force and strength was all that took me down.

"Over thinking is mental self destruction.", Chen then exclaims rather seriously and when I look at the new guy, I just met, I can see he is more than sincere. His eyes pierce right through mine and I can feel a shiver run down my spine when our eyes met. What does he know? Over thinking? I don't... but maybe I am. Who is not? Didn't he say before that a human can't stop thinking? All the time we are thinking or judging something or someone. Like the three who are judging my behavior now. Even the guy without a name looks at me with tired looking eyes, still eating the meal that Chen gave him when he was done with his own. How can the boy eat so much anyway? He looks so tiny and small.

"Say Kyungsoo, why don't you smile for me?", Jongin is still determined, how it seems. He also won't let go of my hands even if I try to pull them away. What is wrong with him today? After he saved me from his brother and claimed that we are best friends, he pulls me here and introduces me to this Chen guy. I haven't seen the boy so far at all and now Jongin acts like they have been best friend since ages. What is going on actually?

"I don't want to at the moment. There is nothing to smile about.", I finally answer and Jongin nods his head in understanding before smiling again. "Next time then ok?"

"Uh... I guess."

It's silent after that. Most of the students have already left the cafeteria. It's late after all. If Kai hadn't dragged me away before, I would sit in my single bed room by now and stare at the boring ceiling like every other night.

In my room is nothing entertaining and I don't dare to go in the common room. The other will all be there and I don't need company anyway. Just leave me all alone.

What am I doing here?

The complete opposite of my actual intention.

"Well, actually I wanted to introduce you to Chen and his friend Umin..."

"Minseok."

"Xiumin.", the boy who hasn't spoken a word comments now. His voice surprises me because he sounds childlike but he has a very mature aura around him. But is Xiumin his real name or...? Why did they all say a different one?

"Just Xiumin is fine.", he repeats and I nod my head dumbly. Xiumin it is then.

"Yeah... so I wanted for you to met them because Chen here has drawn your name for the project and he asked me, before I came looking for you, if he could met up with you. You know, before he starts to write notes on your personality by watching or something like that...", Jongin explains and I sigh. He could have said so earlier. And I am wondering what I am doing here all by myself when it has actually a reason even if not a good one.

"That is true. I see now that you are a very quiet person. Your past must not be pleasant because if not I can't understand why you are here. You don't look like a rapist or murderer to me and mental ill are we all in some ways, right Minnie?", Chen says, elbowing his friend who doesn't move a muscle. He reminds me a little of myself. I am not very talk active either but he seems to be completely silent when he does not have to speak. He is not smiling, glaring, staring or simply looking at someone or something in particular. He only looks straight ahead, through Jongin who sits opposite of him and ignores everything that happens around him but his food. He really only speaks up when he introduced himself. Maybe he has, like Lay, a disorder of some sort. If I remember right, Lay doesn't only do drugs how Baekhyun has told me once. What was it called again? I can't really remember but it kind of shocked me. I shouldn't be surprised anymore, people who are here have a serious reason, all the same if disorder, addiction or murder. It's all a heavy burden for all of them.

I shouldn't care.

Focusing my attention on Xiumin so I don't drift away again into my thoughts, I don't really know if I should feel relieved that here is someone similar like me or be afraid. Xiumin doesn't seem to show his emotions or speak about it. He is not showing anything with his eyes like I do sometimes. But I only meet him todnight, maybe he acts different in a different setting.

It is just a guess but he must have went through more shit than what I went through. I don't know what is worse, loosing your sanity or whatever has happened to Xiumin. It's not my business anyway but curiosity sparks in me and makes me mentally slap myself once again.

Why am I being like this? Why? Since I stepped a foot in this building, I changed. I never really questioned my actions and just went with it. Jongin and Kai are no good influence. I don't want to become more open  and vulneable to the outsiders that surround me.

I am scared. I don't want this to happen but at the moment I can't change anything about it. I need a plan to get through this safely. I don't need anything that will make me remember again. I never forgot, don't get me wrong but I could lock it far away so nothing could trigger it. Maybe I should excuse myself and hurry up to my room. Maybe I can think silently about a way to get Jongin off my back. He is the cause of my problems, if he is not there anymore I won't have to suffer through this.

"I-", I start off, having decided what to do next but Chen interrupts me. He seems to know what I want to do and he stops me right in the act of asking. What is he? 

"Can I ask you some personal things before you go back to the dorm? If you are uncomfortable Jongin can leave, I don't care."

"What? NOOO I WANT TO STAY HERE WITH SOO! If he doesn't go back I won't too!", Jongin immediately protest but well... if I agree then I can send the boy back right? We are friends, he said... will he listen if I command him around? A try is worth it.

"Well... I would like to stay. For the project but Jongin can't you leave us alone? We see each other tomorrow anyway."

"But Soo! No please, we just became official friends, let's stay together forever!", the young twin pouts. What is wrong with him? Please just leave me alone!

"Jongin come on, you don't want to scare your new friend away, do you? Kai certainly is waiting in bed for you.", Chen winks at Jongin and the boy blushes by the action before biting his lips, probably trying to figure out what to do. I don't care what Chen meant with 'waiting in bed', I just want for Jongin to let go of my arm and hands. He can do whatever with his twin brother but please leave me alone for a second! The break and silence after him disappearing will be heaven. The warmth and hyper energy radiating off from him is not what I can appreciate daily and I certainly don't want it to haunt my dreams.

"Soo? Is it alright if I go ahead?", Jongin hesitantly asks but there is no reason for me to not agree. Please go! "Do whatever you want."

"Alright! I'll see you tomorrow morning then! Good nighty night!", the younger screams in my ear before hugging me sidewards. He stands up and waves at Chen who just smiles fondly and Xiumin who stares holes into thin air. We three wait for Jongin to disappear, skipping his way out of the building and I can't really describe it but my heart feels lighter when he goes. It's relief, I guess and my chest doesn't feel as heavy anymore, making it easier to breath freely. Seconds turn into a minute of silence and I wonder why I am still here. I should just stand up and go back to the dorm but the thought of Jongin still walking the path to his cottage makes me stay in place. I should wait a little longer for him to get there.

"Can I now ask some questions?" Did he really mean that? I don't really have the will to answer anything. It's not his business and just for a project.... well I don't really want to participate in any activity if I don't must. We don't even get real marks as long as I know but he helped me get away from Jongin... I feel generous today so why not answer a few questions?

"Be my guest.", I say and he smirks before supporting his chin with his hand, eyes locked with mine and I feel like a spotlight is shining on my head, the room dark expect of Chen's glinting eyes. He seems serious and curious but not of me right? I am not that interesting of a person.

"Alright, so do you have family?"

"Of course."

"Mouther, father, siblings, grandparents, pets?"

"Mother and father."

"Let me rephrase my question. Did you have siblings, pets and/or other relatives that you were close with?" Xiumin lets out a soft sound but when I look at him, he is not really paying attention. He seems to be in his own world, not minding us and Chen's cross-interrogation.

"Brother and a dog."

"Young or older?"

"Younger."

"You don't really speak much with unknown people, do you? Only ellipses... Well tell me what happened to your brother and dog?"

Why should I answer that? He goes too deep into my past. I don't even have a psychologist, how is Chen going to give the information he is collecting at the moment, to anyone. Why am I included in this project anyways?

I should just leave.

"It's none of your business.", I reply and Chen pouts before looking serious again.

"You don't have to tell me now but you will soon.", he mysteriously says before continuing. "Say you don't seem to like Jongin as much.", the black haired male remarks and I can only nod my head.

"Not really."

"Why?"

"Well, he is annoying."

"Once you begin to dislike someone, everything they do tends to annoy you.", Chen explains while nodding his own head in understanding. "I know how you feel. I only talked with him today so he could bring you to me. His childish behavior sometimes is quite the challenge. We aren't actually friends either but Jongin is a very lively person. He tends to like everyone as long as his brother will let him. Xiumin how many friends have Jongin and Kai here?"

"4 Jongin, including Kyungsoo and 3 for Kai.", Xiumin counts on his fingers. So he has paid attention the whole time?

"See, Kai is less popular. He is more the bully kind of person, how you might have noticed, also his felony is a good deterrence for other patients. Only those who can relate are his friends, not that Chanyeol really is a murderer. He only likes to make people and things burn. You see a lot of people that are in here have a harsh past and are what there are because of wrong education or fate. I believe Kai is not only over-protective of Jongin but jealous as well.", Chen ends his explanation but I haven't asked for one. I don't need to know all of this. Kai is no different of a person to me after hearing this. I need to be more careful.

"Now that Jongin has a friend more, the boy won't have much time for his precious other half. Kai is scared that Jongin's friends will take him away and spend more time with him than Jongin does with him. Kai is a scared kitten, it's kind of cute to watch as long as you don't get a blow to the face."

"How right you are."

"Anyway. Kyungsoo let's talk another time in a more private setting, yeah? Everything in here has ears and is listening, watching. We shouldn't spend too much time together either."

You are the one who wanted to talk to me in the first place!

"Well, we need to go now. Take care of yourself, we see each other in class tomorrow. Have a good night sleep, Do Kyungsoo.", Chen says before pulling his friend, who has not stopped looking at the table, up to his feet. He waves a little before he and Xiumin make their way out of the cafeteria, that is almost empty by now. Only two other students are in one corner of the room, whispering to each other. I can't really make out who it is but they don't seem familiar in any way. I stand up and silently follow Chen and Xiumin's example.

It's late and I can feel sleepiness start to make itself comfortable in my mind. My eyes fall almost shut when I follow the dark path that is only enlighten by a few lanterns. I don't really look around and see what hides in the dark forest either. My only goal is to join my bed and sleep through the night until I need to see Jongin, waiting in front of the boys dormitory with a bright smile, again tomorrow. I don't know why he is doing all of this to me. He doesn't wait for Yixing, Baekhyun or Baekbom but me.

Why?

I am not special or need such treatment. Leaving me alone would brighten my day but not his face every single morning. Sadly we are in the same class but I wouldn't want to be in Kai's either.

Well, I can't change this situation. I need to do this project, need to live through three years before I can leave everything here behind, need to get along with Jongin.

How, and is it possible for me to get away from his grasp? He seemed so happy back then when Kai didn't deny his conclusion of us being now official and approved friends. What should I do?

"Leave Jongin A.L.O.N.E."

Maybe I should just do that and not wait for Jongin to leave me alone. He listened to me when I said he should go, didn't he? I could try it tomorrow. It's worth a try anyway. I don't have anything to lose either.

Walking into my room, I sigh in relief. I am very thankful that the other patients are not really looking out for me to do something. I have no problem with the other students so far but the twins. Nobody has been violent or aggressive as far as I know about and I can't be more glad. It's a problem less that I have to handle.

I should got to sleep and rest some more now. Maybe everything will have cleared itself when I wake up the next day. One can dream.


End file.
